Several years ago, I hurt a friend’s feelings really badly. I can’t remember all the particulars of what I did but it had something to do with betraying a confidence. One of those, don’t tell anybody and then I told somebody and said don’t tell anybody and then they told someone and said but don’t tell anybody type things. I’m happy to say that I learned from that experience and if you tell me something now and say don’t tell anyone I won’t. It’s in the vault as Seinfeld used to say.
I tried to make amends for what I did but the friend would not forgive me. She said I had blown my chance to be a good friend of hers ever again. I remember how devastated I was, still am really to this day. I often think of her and wonder if I contacted her now would she still be unwilling to forgive, unwilling to give me a do-over. Probably so.
We are all going to go through this life and make mistakes. No one is perfect. And many times the mistakes we make are going to hurt someone else. Some mistakes are not repairable. I remember once when Andy and Chris were around 10 and 12 they had gone down to a friend’s house to hang out and when they came home one of them started talking about this friend’s dad’s gun he had showed them. I totally freaked out because I have never owned a gun and did not grow up in a home that had guns, even for hunting. Just the thought of what might have happened was enough to send cold chills down my spine. When Mike got home I told him what had happened and though he didn’t react hysterically like I had, he did sit them both down to talk about the situation. I remember him telling them that some things are not reversible and that sometimes a mistake can cause damage that can’t be fixed. Like if the gun had gone off and one of them had been killed. We definitely put the fear into them.
Or so I thought. A few years later we would find out that one of them rode with a friend who was drunk. Once again we lectured on mistakes that cannot be fixed. What if they had had an accident or what if they had hurt someone? Their life would be changed forever. We discussed how hurting someone’s feeling because you refused to ride with them when they had been drinking was such a better choice than riding with someone and putting themselves and others in danger.
But many of the mistakes we make aren’t life altering or life changing. They are simply choices that we made in the heat of the moment, or without thinking them through and the result may be mild to major. Maybe we have a bad day and take it out on someone. Maybe something we say that we shouldn’t have repeated gets back to the wrong person. Those kinds of things deserve a second chance.
You can’t always fix something you’ve done as much as you might like to. An affair will cause a wound so deep that even if you are able to forgive and move on, will never completely heal. Every relationship you have in your life will be affected because if the person you trust the most can hurt you that deeply, who is to say everyone that loves you won’t let you down in some way. You may never fully trust again.
When I was a little girl, my dad had a drinking problem. He was never mean to me. Never did anything to physically harm me. But the emotional scars ran very deep. Years later, I would still deal with some of the feelings leftover from being that scared little girl who never knew what the next day or hour would bring. Life was chaos. Nothing could be counted on. Everything revolved around his drinking. I couldn’t have friends spend the night because he might come home drunk; we couldn’t plan family outings because he may not show up. I know that my dad carries a deep guilt for the heartache he caused his wife and children when he was in his drinking years. Years later, when he stopped drinking altogether, he would go on the road sometimes to Churches to talk about his past and the misery he had brought to his family and to himself. I forgave my dad a long time ago. I think he has more than made up for those mistakes by the way he lives his life today. I know I can count on him for anything.
Still I know that sometimes he probably thinks about the past and the guilt and shame come back on him. When Chris was born he was beaming. He held my son in his arms and it as if I could read his mind. He was thinking, here is my second chance. My second chance to be the person to this child of my child that I wish I had been when she was a little girl. He was totally smitten with Chris and was a wonderful grandpa. Patient, kind, and grateful to be a part of this child’s life.
One day while visiting them in Kingfisher, I looked out the window and there was my dad and my little 2 year old Chris headed out to the donut shop . And I wrote this:
I watch from the window as they go,
Their feet make footprints in the snow
One face , unlined without a frown
One marked by years of ups and downs
I think of my life and I am glad
That I’m his daughter and he’s my dad
And especially for the love he’s shown
To this small boy, who is my own
Matching strides and hand in hand
They turn and look back where I stand
His face is grateful and he smiles
His eyes say thank you for this child
They turn and walk toward the truck
And he stoops and gently picks him up
And he has a chance to start anew
With this small boy, a child of two
He can be the center of his world
To this small boy, his little girl’s
And not let life get in the way
Of saying I love you everyday
To teach and guide and help him learn
And bask within the love returned
Not just by him, but by her too
You’re forgiven dad, and I love you.
I gave this simple poem to my dad, framed for Fathers day that year. My mom said it was the first time she had ever seen him cry. He was overcome with emotion because he knew he was forgiven. That the past was no longer important. That his mistakes were wiped away. That he had been given a second chance.
Love the people in your life. Allow them to make mistakes and when they do, learn to say its ok, I forgive you. You get another chance. I think regret is a waste of energy. Instead, make up for your mistake, learn from it, move forward and do better in the future. Chances are, you will be forgiven…and you will have a 2nd chance.
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