The Whole Package

I was taking to my daughter in law the other day and mentioned that I had another date with “Minnesota Mark”. She is happy to see that I am happy getting to know him of course. Then she said “be sure to tell him you are part of a package; me, Chris and the puppies are part of you”. If he gets you, he gets us too.

We joke about relationships that come with baggage and that being a bad thing. But every person has history good and bad and relationships that they carry with them. This “package” is what makes each one of us unique. It is our past, good and bad that shapes us into the person we are.

How we have handled the “stuff” in our life says a lot about our character. It’s easy to tell when you are around someone for awhile if they have handled life’s challenges with grace and dignity or if they are bitter and unforgiving. You can tell by the people they surround themselves with, and what is important to them what kind of person they are.

My friends and family are fiercely loyal and protective of me because they love me. And because that’s how I am about them. My “kids” are an integral part of my life and always will be. My Faith is rock solid and my Church an important part of who I am. I cannot live without laughter because I love to laugh and make people laugh…so a sense of humor is not optional in someone I want to spend time with. I love dogs and so someone who hates animals and I are going to conflict.

It’s a matter of deciding what you want, what you need and what you don’t want and need from a relationship, or a friendship, or life in general. Not something to take lightly. Because when you decide to put someone in your life, you are taking on the whole package. Flaws and all. And so are they!

When I was first divorced, my counselor told me that she wanted me to list the top 20 things I want in my next relationship. She then had me put them in a jar and told me “if you are tempted to date within the first year I want you to take out the jar and unless that person meets every single criterion you say no. At the time, I thought that was kind of silly; but in reality it was very wise advice because after any relationship break up you are at your most vulnerable and much more likely to settle for less than what you want just to be back in a relationship. I took out my jar a couple of times during that first year, when the loneliness was at times overwhelming. And each time said no to the invitation.

Then she said, after that 1st year I want you to take the 20 criteria out of the jar and put your top 10 back in it. These are your must haves. The other 10 go to another jar called your like to have. If you are asked out during that 2nd year you are much more stable, much more able to make a wise decision and so the top 10 are the ones that matter most. If they meet these 10 you can go out with them.

I found my jars the other day while I was cleaning out some old files. The must haves were pretty straightforward….sense of humor, affectionate, nice smile, family oriented (cause my family is so important to me I can’t imagine someone that didn’t accept or like to be around them) and faithful, accepting of my faith, honest, drug free, non smoker(personal preference –not judging), reliable

Then 2nd jar had some pretty silly and some a little personal (that I won’t list here.) Some examples, knows how to make French toast , likes dogs, doesn’t like to dance (because I can’t dance), speaks proper English (poor grammar drives me batty), on time, ….and so on. None of these would be deal breakers if most of the top 10 were there.

Sometimes you get everything you want and some things that you don’t. I get at least 2 calls a month from Sudden link wanting me to bundle my services to save money. But it’s not really saving money if you are paying for something you don’t want or need is it? I don’t want or need a home phone. So they are never going to be able to sell me that bundle.

I don’t want or need someone in my life that is mean or cruel or controlling, jealous or unreliable. You cant bundle those traits with a nice smile, faithful and affectionate person cause the good won’t negate the bad. But I would consider a faithful, funny, smoker. So I guess what I’m saying is that not just in relationships but life in general it’s up to you to decide what you put in your “happiness and fulfillment package”. Everyone’s will be unique. Just like them.

Years ago when I taught a weight loss class one of the visual things I would do at the start of a new class was to bring in 2 paper sacks. One was a gift sack, pretty and pleasing to the eye. The other was a plain paper bag, no decoration. I would ask the class to pick which sack they would rather have. Always it was the nice one. Then I would give it to them and watch as they pulled “ugly” things from the pretty package… cigarette butts, trash, etc. Then I would give them the plain brown bag from which they would pull the pretty things, flowers, candles, etc. The point being it’s what’s inside that counts.

Choose wisely cause you are getting the "whole package".