My brother Jimmy has a song on one of his cd’s entitled Tear Behind the Smile. I have no idea what the lyrics are and I can’t seem to find my CD that had it on it. But there have been several times in my life when I have identified with that phrase.
I am still digging through boxes in my garage and pulling out memories by the handful. Yesterday, I had a bad day. From the IRS check I mailed which really hit me hard financially, to learning that a male friend I hoped to get to know better is actually in a relationship, to coming home to a sick Yorkie who had turned my house into a stinky, smelly mess, and all the little annoyances in between, I just truly felt down. Its like everything that I have let roll off my back, all the little annoyances in life, all the hurt feelings, all the self doubt hit me all at once. I was a mess. If anyone had seen me besides my sick Yorkie, they would have been really surprised to see that I had not one funny thought, not one smile to give.
There have been many times in my life that I have been depressed. I was even treated for depression several years ago. In my “digging” I came across something I had written and I want to share it because if you see the place I was at and know me now, you will see that there is always hope, always another day. Sometimes it just takes help to get there.
I wrote “The darkness pulls at my thoughts threatening to overshadow even the smallest glimmer of hope. From the outside looking in, no one notices for the shell is intact, the smile frozen in place, the pleasantries exchanged, all is normal; I am a master at hiding the tears that want to burst through, the hopelessness that makes me want to run and hide; I just need to escape…I need relief from the constant pull of things to do and needs to satisfy and people to please and solutions to find; I need to go alone to a place where no one will ask me what’s wrong, no one will require that I smile, and a place where I can sort through the darkness, find a glimmer of light to build on, before I fall helplessly into the pit of despair, from which I won’t escape.”
Pretty amazing when I read those words to believe that I ever felt that way. I am one of the most upbeat, positive, full of life and joy people you will ever meet. I have very few days like yesterday and for that I thank God. Rarely is there a tear behind my smile nowadays. I wonder sometimes if people look at me and wonder what I’m so upbeat and happy about. How I can always be so up, ready to make someone laugh, ready to share a story to bring a smile. The key is like I said in one of my earlier blogs….I look up when I’m down. I take my bad mood and all the contributing factors to God in prayer and ask for relief from the worries and the strife that have put me in that place. I begin to think about other people instead of myself and it doesn’t take a lot to realize how incredibly blessed I truly am. There are so many hurting people out there. So many people who may have a tear behind their smile.
Today on our class of 1976 reunion site a classmate posted a clipping of an obituary from a classmate who died a few years ago. It is said that she was depressed. No one really knows where another persons’ breaking point is. I wonder if she felt like no one else in the world could understand what she was going through. I wonder if there are other classmates, co-workers, friends and relatives who are struggling. I want to offer hope. Been there, made it through. There is no circumstance that can’t be overcome with prayer, love and understanding. Occasionally, that’s not enough and counseling and even medications have to come into play. But there is no shame in being down, in admitting you are down. Let the tear fall. Flood the room if you need to. Just let it out.
I wrote a song about 10 years ago. Mike had moved out and I was left to pick up the pieces, keep the smile on my face for the sake of my sons. I had to get up and go to work everyday even though I wanted to stay in bed and never get up. On the rare occasions when I am in a troubled state of mind this song pops in my head and I know tomorrow will be better, my smile will be back, my joy will return.
When Trouble’s ‘round, As far as I can see I know my God, is watching over me
When the world conspires, to get me down He lifts me up, and turns my world around
There is no pain, He cannot feel There is no hurt, he will not heal
When I fall down on my knees, My gracious God, will hear my pleas
When I put my faith in God above, He wraps me in his powerful love
My gracious God is watching over me.
And I am here too for you. If you ever feel alone, talk to me for I will understand. If you ever just want to cry, I have a shoulder for you. If you need encouragement, if you need something to laugh at, if you need arms to hold you, I am here.
I love you my friends! Today I am back to my usual happy self. Thanks for your prayers and words of support. LeeAnn
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