Thoughts on Parenting

"Having children is like letting your heart walk around outside of your body."

 I read this quote several years ago in a book by Barbara Johnson, a Christian humorist.

How true it is!  What it didn’t go on to say is that even when they are grown up and on their own, your heart is still out there, vulnerable to all the bumps and bruises they will experience along the way.  I know that when I am old woman and my sons have grown up kids of their own, that I will still think of them as my children.

Sometimes when a child is going through something painful, you realize that you would willingly take on that pain for them.  It’s so difficult to see them struggling.  But you know that you can’t live their life for them.  They have to experience the pain and heartache and the joy and successes along the way for themselves.

When my mom was dying of cancer we had a lot of time to talk.  Never is there a time that I think someone is more honest or more vulnerable than when they know they are going to die.  My mom battled her pancreatic cancer for almost 2 years.  She knew it would eventually take her life but she pressed on.  Those around her that didn’t know how sick she was would never have guessed how sick she was.  Instead of complaining and giving up, she made the most of the time she had.  I had always been close to my mom.  But we became even closer.  Partially, because I spent as much time as I could with her knowing that it might be limited.  And partially because she opened up and shared her feelings because she knew she might not be able to down the road.

We talked a lot about parenting in those last months.  She was proud of me for a lot of things, but the mother I had become and the amazing boys I had raised were by far my biggest accomplishment in her eyes.  Over and over she would tell me what a good mom I was.  And I would always respond with “well, look who my teacher was”. 

She told me once that the saddest day of her life was when I walked down the aisle to marry a man who she knew was not right for me. Yet not once did she tell me that she felt that way.  I asked her why she hadn’t because everyone else had spoken their mind about the “mistake” I was making.  She said, because my role as your mother was to let you make your own choices, even when I knew they weren’t the right ones. And to be there to pick up the pieces and love you through your heartache.  And that is exactly what she did.  Many times over.

And as a parent, I realize how painful that must have been for her to stand back and watch, knowing my heart would be broken. Her heart was out there too.  Unprotected, going through the same bumps and bruises that mine did.

I asked her about that first marriage, long ago.  I asked her how she knew that I was making a mistake.  She said, because I could see your heart and it wasn’t happy.  Oh, you claimed to love him and he claimed to love you…but a mother knows. She went on to say that “he didn’t light up when you walked into the room.”  That’s how I knew. 

I told my boys after that the story of that disastrous first marriage.  I told them how important it was not to settle for the wrong reason. I told them that they should wait and find that person that made them light up when they saw them. And more importantly, that the person they chose should light up when they walked into the room. Like I did when I met their dad.  And like he did when he met me.

Chris has that advice on his facebook page as his favorite quote.  And when he met Juliet, he called me and said Mom, I found the woman I want to marry. Since he had not known her long I asked him how he knew …and he said, because my heart lights up when I see her. And her face lights up when I come into the room. That was good enough for me and when I met her for the first time, that was the first thing I noticed.

My heart felt it when they had their hearts broken for the first time.  My heart felt their apprehension when they went off to college, away from home for the first time, my heart felt their anxiety when they took their driving tests. My heart felt the  overwhelming sadness and devastation they suffered when their dad left me. My heart felt their pride as they got their first paycheck, as they graduated from High School, as they graduated from college.  My heart felt Chris’ excitement as he waited for Juliet to arrive from Mexico to marry him.  My heart felt Andy’s anguish when he realized a relationship he was in was not going to work out.

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world sometimes. But it is also the most rewarding.  I wholeheartedly give it my all.