Write on!

Helping Juliet and Chris move this weekend made me think I never want to move because it is SO much work…but on the other hand as Juliet and I put things up into shiny new cabinets and got rid of all the clutter they had accumulated and clothes they didn’t wear etc. it was a good feeling too. Made me want to come home and finish cleaning out all my closets and tubs in the garage, get rid of all the things I don’t use or want anymore and renewed my desire to get out of this big house and get into a new smaller place. That fresh start is very appealing.

From Austin I went on to Dallas and stopped to have dinner with Andy, who had started his new job , in a new city, living in a new place. I envied him. To be starting a new life, a whole new experience. He was not nearly as excited at all the changes taking place in his life at the same time. He was pretty apprehensive. But I saw possibilities, a whole new start.

I think that’s why I like New Years day so much. I always make resolutions and though many fall by the wayside as the months go by, there are usually a couple of things on my list that I accomplish. Something about starting a brand new year, a brand new calendar makes me feel good.

When I sit down to write and in the old days got out that clean sheet of paper and started on something, it was a good feeling. Now I pull up a clean “computer page” to type on…not quite the same but lots less messy and in my case its legible. I still have horrific handwriting. I type everything, even my grocery list each week because otherwise I can’t read it myself That’s bad!

A clean slate is a good feeling. An emotional clean slate is a great feeling. Much harder to come by than cleaning out a closet, or moving to a new house, or pulling up a new computer page. I remember when Mike and I split up and then reconciled to try and work it out, I bought a small chalk board and an eraser and gave it to him with a card that said “the past is the past, if this is going to work we have to start with a clean slate. That’s what I’m offering you. Forgiveness and another chance”. And I truly meant those words I wrote. But it turned out to be a lot more difficult than I had ever imagined to forgive. It was ever present in the back of my mind and in the corner of my heart in a spot that I knew would never heal completely. And in spite of my good intentions to completely let go of the hurt and the sadness, there were times when all that pain and sorrow and anger bubbled to the surface and eventually, became too hard to ignore.

They say time heals all wounds and while I’d love to believe that, I don’t. I think maybe time fades all wounds but I don’t think the deep cuts ever really heal completely. And maybe they shouldn’t. Maybe those wounds, those experiences are what keep us from making the same mistake all over again the next time we are in that situation. Maybe the memory of that pain is what keeps us from inflicting it on anyone else. I used to say that if I ever re-married it would be to someone whose spouse had left them for someone else. Because they would remember how bad it felt and would never do that to someone else. Sounded good anyway.

Going to the diabetes doctor used to be something I dreaded. But now that I am taking better care of myself and exercising and losing weight, I look forward to going to see how I’m doing. Today when they called to tell me that my cholesterol and blood pressure and triglycerides and all those things that are hard to pronounce were pretty much at the perfect level I was overjoyed. It’s like getting a clean slate. I have a ways to go with the weight loss, and my blood sugar levels are still no under the level to be considered non-diabetic. But I’m getting there. And the news that I’m on the right track was like getting a clean slate. Now the work is to maintain my health and improve it.

Now I just need to wipeout, erase all the things that are in my path that keep me from being and doing what I want to be and do with my life. Every day is a new opportunity, a fresh start. What I choose to do with each new day of my life is up to me. I can let go of my past mistakes and realize that I am only human and stop beating myself up for all the should have’s in my life. I can release the if only’s and make the most of the moment.

I am at a point in my life where my children are grown and on their own. I am not currently in a relationship. Its just me. I actually do have a clean slate. What I write on it for the rest of my life is up to me.