Pushed around

“My thoughts pushed me around.  Today I pushed back.”  I read that the other day.  It was a story about a lady who had been depressed.  One day she informed her family that she was having a good day. When they asked what the difference was between the day before when she was struggling and that day when she seemed to be doing well that was her reply.

I thought that was interesting.  So many self help books talk about the internal dialogue you have with yourself and how you need to change the “channel” sometimes.   It’s kind of the same thing as her reply. 

I’ve found in my own life that sometimes I am my own worst enemy.  There have been situations that I’ve been in I wish I had handled differently.  Hindsight is always 20/20.  Instead of learning from my mistakes though there are times when I allow those mistakes to affect how I feel about myself over and over again.  I am so stupid I will think, or I should not have done that, or I will never meet that goal…..That’s an example of my thoughts pushing me around.   

Looking back I realize I spent a lot of time worrying about things that I couldn’t control. As much as I loved my mom and worried about losing her, all the worry in the world didn’t keep her from dying.  All that time I wasted worrying could have been spent doing something productive.  When Mike traveled early on in our marriage I would stay awake at night worrying about his safety, thinking up gloom and doom scenarios in my mind.   He never encountered any difficulties.  But if he had, I’m sure my worries wouldn’t have changed the situation.

When Chris and Andy were little I worried so much for their safety that I became over protective.  I remember Chris telling someone one time that he was a teenager before he could ride his bike in the street.  That’s an over-exaggeration but not by much. LOL 

Every parent knows the feeling of not being able to rest easy until their child returns home from a date or a football game or event during the teen years.  When the boys went off to college it was a struggle for me at first until I realized that no amount of worrying about where they were, what they were doing was going to change anything.  They were on their own and all I could do was hope for the best.

I think I’ve finally conquered the worry thing for the most part.  I think that the strong faith I have developed in the last years has been the key.   I truly believe that all things are in God’s hands.  I don’t take unnecessary risks.  But I know that ultimately, my life is not totally in my control.  And as I’ve gotten older I have realized that and I am for the most part worry free.

The thoughts that push me around occasionally are self esteem related.  Slowly but surely I am learning to push back.  Slowly but surely I have started to mentally put up a stop sign when I start to mentally cut myself down….  There’s a lot of truth to speaking words of affirmation to yourself and it changing the direction of your day/thoughts.  Joel Osteen says he gets up and looks in the mirror and says  “You are so good looking”  to himself every day.  He said it changes the way he carries himself and the way he interacts with people.

I haven’t gone that far.  But occasionally, I will look in the mirror and say” You don’t look bad to be so old. “ Ok, I’m getting there. LOL

I think Oprah calls it having an attitude of gratitude.  If you can train yourself to take a negative thought and turn it around to being thankful then you are well on your way to a happier, balanced life.

Instead of thinking, man my yard looks really terrible and I wish the kid that mows it would get it done, I thought, I’m grateful for the rain that prevented the mowing from being done and for the money I saved in it being delayed because that’s probably one less $40 fee this summer.  That’s a $40 I can spend on me instead.

Instead of thinking, man I really don’t want to go to work today, I thought I am so grateful to have a job I love to go to.  I am so grateful I’m not out of work, or stuck doing something I hate because I have to have a job.

Instead of thinking, I am really bummed out because someone hurt my feelings, I think  I’m glad that I am a forgiving person and I say a quick prayer for that person because who knows what might be going on in their life that caused them to be so rude and inconsiderate.

Thoughts are powerful.  If you think you can’t do something, you probably can’t.  Not because you aren’t capable, but because you probably won’t try, take that risk.   On the other hand, if you say I can do that even if you aren’t totally confident of your ability, you probably will succeed.    There are times when that won’t be the case….as in the case of me thinking I could learn to dance.  But at least I tried. Gotta give me credit for that. 

It goes back to the phrase that my friend Brad tells me to say.   I get up in the morning now and I say with confidence “Today is going to be all I hoped it would be.”  And it usually is.  And when something happens that day that has the capacity to ruin my mood,  I choose to think about the lesson learned, or how much worse it could have been.  It’s kind of like looking for the good in everyone.  You may have to look really hard at some people to find it but it’s there.

This weekend is my class reunion.  We are expecting a great turnout. I’m so excited to see people I haven’t seen in 35 years.  At the same time, I’m a little nervous.  Especially about performing which is so weird because I truly don’t get nervous about doing my comedy.  Thoughts of what if they don’t likeme, what if I’m not funny, what if, what if, ……running through my head.  And when those thoughts pop up and threaten to dampen my excitement  I begin to chant the old high school cheer in the spirit of the reunion….Push em back, push em back , wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy back.   

Bring on the fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!