Just chillin'

I have a plaque on my wall that my mom gave me years ago.  It says "I can't slow down, tension is holding me together".  I don't know if it is tension per se...but being busy and living a fast paced, activity filled life is something I have always done.  I have examined this "trait" from time to time wondering what drives and motivates me.  I have wondered if its a fear of lonliness, I have wondered if its a way of filling my life up so that I don't have time to worry about things I can't control.  Each time though I come away thinking that the reason I stay so involved is not for any reason other than I like being involved. People energize me.  Being around people and involved in things makes me happy.  Simple as that.  Now, there are times that I retreat into my own little world and block out the outside. Those are the times when I am writing, or creating, or having some one on one time with God.  I think I've achieved a pretty good balance in my life. My physical self will sometimes remind me that I am not 23 and I will have to say no to something I'd like to do simply because I'm too tired to take on anything else.  But I have found that I tend to thrive on chaos.  I enjoy having a lot of irons in the fire.  I like rushing around and fitting things in to my schedule.  Its my way of embracing life. Of taking advantage of everything I can. 

It is rare to see me sitting and doing nothing.  But thats what I've done today.  I spend the morning just sitting, relaxing, talking to Joe about all sorts of things.  When he went to work I went for a long walk.  And then came back and sat some more. I made no effort to get to my to do list for today.  I just simply let myself sit around and do nothing....I could get used to this. LOL  Sitting outside in the cool fall breeze and just enjoying the weather, I realized that even when I'm just doing nothing, I can be happy.  I feel a peace today that I haven't felt in a long time. I am happy and content. Part of that is because I have found someone that truly cares about me and that I truly care about.  That feels amazing.  Part of that is because I am doing things that fulfill me.  Performing and writing.   Part of that is because for the first time in a long time I feel good about myself. Oh, I have a ways to go to be where I want to be in regard to weight and health.  But the progress I have made has given me back my confidence that I can do it.  Nothing is stopping me from being the best I can be except me.  And I am knocking down those barriers one by one.

The problems and concerns I have took a backseat today as I just simply enjoyed being content.  Tomorrow the bills will still be there, the relationships that need repair will still be there, the leaky faucet and the pile of laundry will still be sitting waiting to be taken care of.  I'll get around to them.  But there are just as many blessings awaiting me as I wake tomorrow.  Communion Sunday at Church which always gives me a sense of belonging and renewal.  The choir will sing and my voice will be among the others.  I will have lunch with Andy and catch up on his life.  And I'll end the day with folly practice where I will laugh and sing and act with a great bunch of people.  And when Monday rolls around and the frantic pace of my life starts up once again I will still be happy.

Life energizes me.  Life excites me.  Life with all its ups and downs is better than the alternative.  I intend to live it to the fullest for as long as I can.  I intend to build relationships, use my gifts and talents and give to those around me as much as I can for as long as I can.  Today I found that sometimes just "doing nothing" can be pretty great.  I'm adding that to my list of activities I enjoy.