So my life the last month has been so different than anything I’ve experience in a long time. Since I’ve been working pretty much since I was 16, to be unemployed is a whole new world for me. There have been small bouts of unemployment in the last 37 years. I took a leave of absence from the working world when Chris was about a year old. I felt like I was missing so much of his life working full time even though he was in the care of his Aunt Shelly. I couldn’t have asked for a better “childcare” situation. So I stopped working and switched roles with Shelly. She went to work and I kept Jenna my niece. Those days I remember fondly…the tea parties, always trying to find something fun to do with the kids. When Andy came along I was still a stay at home mom but I had begun to miss being around adults. So I went to work part time and that was a good fit for me. Even after moving to Muskogee that was what I did, part time work until the boys were in school. It was a good option and a good choice for me. Still that was totally different than now. Not having a full time job but being at home with kids full time is really not much different than working outside the home.
Then there was the period of time when I had some health issues and took some time off after being laid off to recoup my strength and just “be” for a while. Though that wasn’t the same either because the boys were in school by then and I spent a lot of time volunteering. It was like working only without the pay because there were people who were dependent on you and there were schedules and such.
Then there was the lay off 8 years ago from the job I had gotten after the divorce. That lay off would turn out to be a blessing in disguise as my mom died shortly after that and the time I was able to spend with her because I wasn’t working was invaluable. Still, I was carrying 12 hours at school in my last semester to get my degree, I had one son in his Freshman year at OSU and one at home. Certainly having time on my hands was not an issue. I simply was able to breathe a little and not have such a fast paced life as I grieved the loss of my mother, and the physical presence of one of my kids because he was off at college.
Fast forward to now. The first time in my life that being laid off affords me a chance to totally figure out what I want to do and where I want to be. My amazing husband Joe is my # 1 fan. He thinks I could conquer the world if I chose to. If I told him today I wanted to become a circus performer he’d say “sounds good honey, I know you can do it”. LOL To have that kind of freedom of choice is amazing….and very scary at the same time.
I am off the proverbial wheel. I am out of the rat race. I haven’t set an alarm in weeks. I have allowed my body to tell me when to sleep and when to eat, not constrained by schedules or work dictated lunch hours. I have relaxed and enjoyed being with Joe all day, thinking about, planning our future together. Our possibilities are endless…well except for that one pesky Health Insurance thing. Gotta have that therefore hitting the road and living off love isn’t an option. LOL I have to work. I have to find employment and get back on the treadmill. I don’t mind that. I actually like to work. Mainly because it gives me immense joy to be around people. People energize and inspire me and I miss that.
That’s not to say I haven’t relished the last few weeks. For one thing, it’s allowed me time to get ready to move. The house selling shortly after losing my job was nothing short of a blessing from God. Being out of debt and having the freedom to choose where we want to be is something that most people don’t get to experience. We have a once in a lifetime opportunity (with some restraints such as needing to stay where my Cobra insurance is valid) to pick and choose our location and our career path.
There have been days that I have been in somewhat of a panic, frozen almost, because there are so many options and so many decisions facing us in the next few weeks. The day before yesterday when Joe asked what we should have for dinner I burst into tears. Bet he won’t ask that again. It was simply one more choice that needed to be made in an endless line of choices to be made. Overwhelming . If that makes sense.
I’ve found that all my life I have made decisions based on not just what I wanted to do but what others around me wanted me to do. And for the first time in my life, when I can’t say well I have to do this because my job is here, or my house is here or my kids are in school here, or my husbands job is here that not having an excuse for not making everyone happy with my choices has been kinda hard. It’s hard to block out all the emotion and focus on what I want, what Joe wants. That’s new to me.
Joe said it’s like I’m making myself crazy trying to solve every detail in a single day. Somehow, the fly by the seat of my pants person I was is craving just a few ducks in a row. Without the anchor of a job, or a home (though the choice of the RV yesterday helped a lot) , or even permanent address I find myself a little wound up.
And through it all, if I stop and look back over the last few weeks, everything has fallen into place just as it should. “Mighty hands are guiding me, to protect me from what I can’t see” comes to mind. Some decisions have come easily. I want to downsize and I want to live in an RV . So all of you that think I’m crazy or that Joe has brainwashed me, I’m telling you now…I want to live in an RV Really! It’s very appealing to me right now. I’ve had the big house, the pool, the 2 car garage, etc. It was great for that time in my life. I’m excited about the future. Whatever it holds. At least with an RV if we don’t like one place it’s a whole lot easier to pickup and do something else. And when we do figure out where we want to put down roots and build a cabin or start a business we have that freedom still. No home to sell. That’s a huge one. Having been tied to a job for 7 years that I never thought I’d lose and certainly wouldn’t have given up on my own, having been alone in a 4 bedroom house that when I put it on the market 4 years ago & thought it would sell, having been single and expecting to remain that way because there didn’t seem to be anyone out there for me…..I’m amazed at where I am at today. Happily jobless, happily homeless, and happily married. Just goes to show that life is as unpredictable as weather in Oklahoma.
Tonight I have an interview for a job. Out of the blue. One I applied to so long ago that I forgot I applied. Will it be the right fit? Who knows? I am looking at it as an opportunity to hone my interview skills, put on makeup LOL, get out of my lounge clothes and see what happens. Do I care if I don’t get the job? Not at all. Because I know that if it’s not the right path, I can choose to not take it with the confidence of one who knows that “there is a plan for me”. Its funny because talking to my friend Brad last night online I said “I almost hope I don’t get an offer because then I’ll have to decide if I want to work in Oktaha cause my mindset now is on working in Tulsa.” He said “in that case I’ll pray you make a fool of yourself at the interview”. I said “no don’t do that, I think I’m capable of that without prayer”. LOL
It is at times like this, when you don’t know where you’ll be a few weeks that you find out what you’re made of. And you find out who you can count on. To all of you who have offered support through prayer. To all of you who have said “I miss you at work, its just not the same without you” To Joe’s sister who offered land and a fence until we figure out where to be and solved our Shelby dilemma for a while, to my brother Jimmy who said he’d ask around and see if he knew anyone with land in the Tulsa area or job. For those of you who have put the word out that I’m “on the job market”. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
As I sort through years and years of stuff and decide “tub be or not tub b” lol, I am reminded of all the people in my life who have loved me thought the ups and downs. So many of them are gone now. But so many remain and so many are yet to even be discovered. It was easier than I thought to give up some of my “treasures”. Because the true treasures of life aren’t to be found in your job, or the house you bought, or the lake home, or the fabulous vacation you took, or the shell you picked up on the beach when your kid was 2…..or the box with all your kids baby teeth (what was I thinking? A necklace?” the real treasures are those that don’t need to be thinned out and placed in the “to move” tub. The real treasures are the memories, the people who have come and gone in my life, the lessons I have learned along the way, the Faith that has sustained me every step of the way. My heart, not the 21 gallon storage tote stacked in the corner of the garage, ready to be loaded into the uhaul ,holds the best parts of my life.
With the loss of my job and the sale of my home came a huge realization. I am not defined by my job title, or my income level, or the street I live on or the size of my home. I am defined by the person I am, by the people who I love and who love me, by the legacy I leave and the lives that I touch in my journey, That’s a pretty big tub to fill.
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