I was talking on the phone to a friend the other day and we were discussing the job market in general and how difficult it is to find a job. I was telling her that I had submitted countless applications with no response and that the only thing I could attribute it to was my age. My work experience is excellent. I have a college degree which if nothing else should show a degree of tenacity if they look closely and see the 26 year gap in which I left school, then went back to complete it. I have good references. I have done all the “right” things like having several resumes and targeting them to specific industries…i.e. I have a resume that is very medical industry slanted, I have a resume that is very accounting slanted, I have a resume that is marketing slanted. I write every cover letter to be job specific instead of using the same one over and over. I have followed the rules of resume writing, not too personel . I have when able to find out who the person is that will review the resume and sent it specifically addressed to them via the content box on the submit to line. And in the instances where a paper resume mailed in is required I have used the correct color and weight on the paper, addressed the envelope so neatly that I don’t even recognize my writing. In short, I have done everything I can to get my foot in the door so that I can “sell myself” in an interview. Still to date, I’ve had 3 interviews and numerous form rejection letters.
Ok, so when I end my “commentary” on how difficult it is to find a job, this friend says” how much do you weigh?” At first I was taken aback and then I replied “too much, why?” Well, she said, it’s probably not your age, it’s because you are fat and employers don’t want to hire fat people. They are a liability. They move slower, they have more health problems, they may be stereotyped as lazy, etc. etc. to which I calmly replied “well none of the online resumes so far have asked for my height, weight or BMI. The three interviews I had were by overweight HR people who I doubt felt threatened by my “fluffiness”. For the record, I am down to a size 16..not exactly obese. Could I lose some more weight? Sure, and I am trying to do so but not for “vanity” reasons. For health reasons related to my diabetes. Anyway, to that she replied, well you need to lose weight so that when you do get an interview you aren’t discriminated against because of your age AND your size.
Reminds me of a friend I had (key word had) that was constantly insulting me in the name of “I’m saying this for your own good”…Once when I got my hair cut and highlighted and LOVED it, she said, “if I were you I’d go back and ask for them to fix it, you look like a hooker.”. SERIOUSLY? Another time she told me that I was “setting my sights too high” in regard to men. Like I was not attractive or smart or whatever enough to get a really good guy and should settle for whatever I could get. This same person was excruciating to go out to eat with for after 2 bites of her salad, dry, she would claim to be stuffed leaving you to feel that if you finished your meal you were a pig. After years of this subtle abuse, I finally realized that when someone makes you feel bad just being around them, you are a fool for being around them. Why “settle” for people who make you feel bad about yourself all the while claiming to be on your side.
There is a big difference in being honest and being tactful. If its hurtful comments that you want to impart, stop a minute and think “is this helpful or hurtful”. If it’s hurtful, consider keeping it to yourself. I know very few people who are motivated to do something because someone chides them about it.
Back to the phone conversation. I silently fumed and changed the subject to something entirely different. I love the RV I said and the best part is there is a really cool walking path that we have been walking 5 miles on every other day. Why every other day she said? You need to walk every day and you need to drink at least a gallon of water every day and if you have any non healthy foods in your house you need to get rid of them. Ok, so now we are back to the weight thing. Not, wow that is amazing that you are walking 15-20 miles a week. Apparently, I need to be walking 5 miles a day. When I told her that my doctor told me every other day was best for me to avoid burn out and sore muscles, she argued that HE didn’t know what he was talking about.
I’m trying to think of the last time I gave “criticism “ “for your own good” ..because I care about you advise….hmmmmmmmmmmmm…Can’t think of any. My mother always told me if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. I kinda like that rule.
Now, there are certain people in my life that can get away with some “advise”. My daughter in law Juliet for instance can say “elan, you can’t have ice cream” because she and I have a relationship in which her admonishing is taken as “I care about your health and I’m trying to help you”. My mother was able to say “you don’t look good in yellow”. My former boss and friend Lynelle could tease me about being “messy” without it hurting my feelings. My good friend, Isabel, was able to confirm my statement that I can’t dance without hurting my feelings.
I once had a good friend, who was much heavier than I say to me , “don’t give up on dating…there are men out there that like fat women like us”. As if that would make me feel good.
And then there are the well meaning people who want to tell you a horror story about someone that had, or is in the same situation as you. I have a friend who was diagnosed with cancer who never ceased to be amazed at the people she barely knew who felt obligated to tell her the story of some relative that had the same thing and died. What pregnant woman hasn’t been “treated” to horror stories of painful deliveries. My latest is people who want to tell me how long they have been unemployed and how I will never be able to find a job in this economy. What if I don’t. Do I really need you pour some salt in the wound? And don’t you just hate those people who have a one up story for anything you ever tell. You know the ones where you can say “my friend had to have her leg amputated” and they say, “well I had a cousin who had to have her head amputated”. LOL
Ok, so the point of this blog is to say to those people, especially those who you see or talk to rarely (there’s a reason for that) Honesty is good, but sometimes honesty isn’t necessary. Keep it to yourself. Ask yourself …is this going to be helpful or hurtful…do I have a relationship with this person that gives me some leeway in telling them the harsh truth? If not, then zip it. Don’t go there girlfriend.
Sometimes your opinion is something best kept to yourself. For example, one of my dates comment that “I usually only date attractive women” probably wasn’t necessary. Nothing endears you to someone quite like insulting them the first time you meet. LOL
I wanted to debate the overweight people being a liability comment but decided it wasn’t worth it. Now, I can see where sometimes appearance or reputation might be an overriding factor in job selection. For example, we once had a dietician working for us that was so overweight she could barely walk 10 feet without having to sit and rest. I once rented an office space to a hypnotist who advertised to help people lose weight and quit smoking. She was well over 300 pounds and smoked like a chimney. Nothing is worse than a fat doctor telling you to lose weight. I wouldn’t go to a financial advisor who had just filed bankruptcy. Or a marriage counselor that had been married several times. I have worked with all kinds of people in the last 30 years and not once did I think that someone’s job performance was good or bad because of their size or the color of their hair, or their religious beliefs.
Somewhere along the line, we as a society have become really lax in the art of tactfulness. In the belief that “honesty is the best policy” we have lost sight that sometimes it’s not.
I will lose the weight, increase the walking, drink the water, nix the sweets but not because someone nags me about it. When you do something for someone else, or for the wrong reason, it rarely lasts. I think about a time in my life where I worked hard to become the right size, the right combination of personality (not too outgoing, not too shy) etc. to please someone I loved. The end result was that when I lost the weight, found that balance and became “all that I could be”(at least in his opinion) he left anyway.
I prefer to think that I am a worthy person, worthy employee, worthy friend in spite of my shortcomings, physical or otherwise. To say I don’t care what other people think would be dishonest because I find that I value the opinions of others way too much at times. Something I’m working on. HONEST.
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