Memories and Attitudes

Walking to the Octoberfest today with Joe, I couldn’t help but feel tremendously blessed with the life I have.  My sons Chris and Andy are fine upstanding young men who work hard and love their family and friends.  My family and friends are simply awesome.  My husband Joe continues to amaze me every day with his compassion and his zest for life and his attitude in general.   I keep asking him if I can write his story some day because he is my hero when it comes to turning lemons to lemonade.  As we passed under the Riverpark bridge he recalled a time and pointed out the spot where when he was 8 or 9 and ran away from the children’s home  he and another kid camped out, building a fire to stay warm in the eaves of the bridge.  When I was 8 or 9 I would barely venture out of my own yard and building a fire would certainly have not been on my list of things I know how to do.   Yesterday when we were talking about Christmas and Christmas trees he talked about how one year in the Children’s home one of the kids set the Christmas tree on fire.  These stories and memories pop out every once in a while and I listen in fascination. 

It really got me thinking about the experiences in our lives that shape us into the people we are.  Its difficult to come to a place sometimes where you are able to look back and remember only the good things about the situation and let the bad memories, the pain, the regret go.  I think maybe the key is having an attitude of gratitude.  Joe for example, remembers the food being awesome at the Children’s home, the special privileges they got like getting to meet the cast of “Where the Red Fern Grows”,  the field trips they got to take.  I tend to remember the bad things that have happened to me.  Sometimes someone or some situation is so hurtful that you keep going back to it long after the thought of that should be long gone from you pain scale.  Sometimes something will happen to someone you know that will cause that memory to re-surface and you find yourself taking out that wad of pain long buried and examining it all over again.

Like my sisters post of a couple weeks ago when my nephew ran into a group of his friends celebrating a birthday of a classmate and he hadn’t been invited.  That it happened on his birthday made me even sadder  but to his credit, my nephew handled it graciously.  Thinking about his pain made me think about all the times I was left out of things when I was a kid and the old pain resurfaced  after all those years.  Its funny cause I still remember the name of all the kids that didn’t invite me to their parties when I was young but only vaguely remember the ones that did. Not sure what that means except that maybe the bad experiences in life, the hurts overshadow the good experiences, the joys sometimes.

And then as we were walking around Octoberfest I checked my facebook and my friend Joni had posted about the Icon of the Texas State Fair Big Tex being on fire.  And it immediately brought me to a memory of going to the fair one year with my dad and his cousin Fred.   I remember taking a picture with my dad under Big Tex.  I remember the rides we went on, I remember winning a charm bracelet with one of those crane things and I remember Fred winning me a stuffed bear at the basketball booth.  Good, good memories of a fun day with my dad as a little girl.  I could almost taste the cotton candy as I thought about that day which was over 45 years ago. 

And the thought occurred to me that if we fill our hearts and minds with enough good memories, if we have an attitude of gratitude for the good things that happen to us every day instead of focusing on the bad experiences, the bad memories, how much better life can be.  There is nothing that can be done to  repair a bad memory except to learn the lesson of the situation, bury  it and move on.  A few minutes later I was standing in line to buy tickets so we could sample the food at the festival.  A dad and his young daughter talked excitedly about what rides they were going to ride first.  The little girl was so excited and it brought back memories of when I was a little girl and my dad would take me places with him.   Making good memories I thought about the little girl and her dad.  And then in sharp contrast we sat in the booth eating our strudel and I listened as a man with an $18 pitcher of beer and no one sharing it with him that I could see tell his daughter to shut up and quit whining…”we didn’t come here for the rides he said”…”I told you we were just gonna look around…I don’t have money to waste you know”…  Made me want to get up, walk over and tell him that for the $18 he spent on his beer he could have gotten his little girl an unlimited ride pass for $15 and something to drink.  Of course I didn’t.  

Later I was walking Quincy and an older man and his grandson were walking in the RV park.  As we passed the little boy who was probably around 5 or 6 asked if he could pet Quincy.  As he patted him he told Quincy “ I get to hang out with my papa today.  We are going to have a picnic and play Frisbee.”  It made me smile.   In contrast, as I put my laundry in the washer a little later at the laundry room an older woman sat reading as she waited on her laundry.  Her granddaughter was with her and obviously not happy to be there.  I said “ so you are out of school today and get to hang out with your grandma?” to the girl and before she could answer the woman said “ yes her worthless mother dumped her on me today so she could run around with her no good boyfriend”.  Nice!  What a contrast.  I didn’t know what to say.  The little girl just stared down at her feet and I felt so bad for her.  There is a park across the street from the laundry and I thought how easy it would be for that women to walk outside and actually enjoy her time with her granddaughter. 

Life is so precious.   If there is one thing I learned from my experience in Hospice is that you don’t always know how much time you have left here on earth.  What kind of legacy, what kind of  memories are we making along the way.  These days, instead of letting myself get discouraged about the lack of response to the resumes I’ve sent out I think about what a gift it is to be able to write and ride my bike and walk my dog and “BREATHE”.  I know someday looking back at this period I will have wonderful memories of the downtime.  The time I had to spend with my husband.  The time I had to enjoy my life. I have found that maybe I don’t “thrive on chaos” as I always thought I did.  Its taking some time to learn to live life in the slow lane.  The memory of the shock of that day and being told I was being laid off from a job that I loved and was good at has faded and changed into the memory of the day I was told I was being laid off and little did I know what a blessing that was going to be..to have my life back, on my terms .  If as it is said for every action there is a reaction, then I choose to react with acceptance and knowledge that life is what we make it and that it is my choice to say well that is a bad thing and I’m gonna let it shape my life in a negative way or well that is a bad thing and I’m gonna find a way to learn from it. 

And as for those kids today who had less than a positive experience, it is my hope that someday when that memory surfaces they remember how it felt and do just the opposite of what the adults in those situations did.  Live and learn, forgive and learn.