In Memory

For the last week I have had a heavy heart thinking about the families, in particular the mothers of the children who were taken from them in such a horrific way last Friday.  I think I speak for mothers everywhere when I say that there is no fear greater than the losing one of your children.  I know that I would give my life in a heartbeat for my children and to lose them regardless of the circumstances is one of those “I can’t think about it” because it makes me hurt too much scenarios. 

Last Sunday at my dad's church I found myself counting the number of children on stage in the Christmas pageant and it put in perspective what 20 lives looked like. 

So when it actually does happen to someone that you know, or even strangers in the case of the Connecticut mothers, its impossible to keep from putting yourself In their shoes and the pain I feel imagining their pain takes my breath away. I can only imagine how they must feel.

I remember several  years ago attending the funeral of a lady who was about 70 years old when she died.  She had lived a long life by most standards and though her children and grandchildren were there an obviously grieving, what struck me most was the pain etched in the face of her 93 year old mother.  Its’ not supposed to be like this I heard her say to someone before the service started. Mothers are supposed to die before their children.  As she cried out  my baby, my baby a couple of times during the service to be shushed by her son sitting near her I realized that no matter how old we are, no matter what we have gone through in our lives, there must be no more profound of a loss than that of a child. To see a mother of 90 so distraught at losing her “child” of 70 really made an impression on me.

Most of us spend our lives hoping for our children’s well being and safety. I read once that to have a child is to make a choice to have your heart out walking around in the world unprotected.

When I was in my 20’s, and my kids were very young , a good friend of mine, Elizabeth, had a child die while she was in the air, flying to Oklahoma.  She was pregnant with her 3^rd child at the time and had her little girl of 3 and her son who died at the age of  2 with her on the airplane from Houston to Oklahoma City.  The plane landed in Dallas when efforts to revive the little boy failed.  I remember at the time when I was told of the news being simply unable to comprehend what had happened, what she must be going through.  And I will never forget that funeral, that tiny casket and the song, Somewhere Out there” playing in the Church.  I remember holding my own two sons a lot tighter for a while and I remember thinking that  I would not “sweat the small stuff” anymore. A cluttered house meant that my boys were alive and well and making messes.  The few times I saw her after the death of her son, I was at a total loss of what to say and like many others I imagine, began to withdraw because I didn’t know how to handle her pain and I didn’t like how it made me imagine myself in her shoes.  I have always regretted that I didn’t dig in a little deeper and be a real friend.  Selfishly, it was easier to and less painful to pull away.  I don’t know where she is today, I’m sad to say. But I do know where that little boy, William, is buried and every time I drive down NW Expressway in OKC and pass the cemetery where he was laid to rest I pray for forgiveness for my selfishness, and peace for Elizabeth and baby William.

Today as I was thinking about all the beautiful children being laid to rest way to soon this week, I thought of all the mothers I have known in my own life who have lost their children. Oh, maybe there loss wasn’t national news but their loss was every bit as painful as those mothers in Connecticut.  And even all grown up, with life experience under my belt, 30 years later I am at a loss as to what to say to comfort those mama’s who have suffered such devastating loss and grief.

For my cousin Sue Ames and her son Ryan, for my friend Lorena Dennis and her beautiful daughter Kambrin, for my friend Patti Selbyand her son Chad, for my friend Kim Winston and her son Jason, for my friend Tresa Barton and her son Wesley, for my special friend Deronda and her daughter Leronda, for my friend Cindy Matthews and her son Jake, for my friend Juliette Expuery and her daughter who I only know as Tyler’s mom, and for my friend Elizabeth Culberson and her son William and the countless other mothers who have walked the road those mothers in Connecticut walk this week my heart goes out to you.

Your children have not been forgotten.  They live on in the memories of all those lives they touched.  Even those children who we knew only through our acquaintance with you, not on a personal level.  And so today as I say a prayer for those 20 little angels that have gone on to a beautiful place but left loved ones behind, I say a prayer for you and yours also. 

Oh what a joyous reunion that will be someday in heaven where there are no tears of sorrow. Where you will once again walk with your child but on a street of gold.