Wow! The last blog I did was in April of 2017 when I wrote a tribute to Jimmy who was dying of cancer. I guess you can say that my love of writing, of comedy, and a lot of other things went out the window when I lost my brother, my dad and my job in a 5 month period. It has been a difficult period for me as I have tried to figure out what my purpose is going forward in this life and trying to heal a broken heart. Working for Hospice for 10 years taught me a lot about compassion and end of life and grief but it was always someone else's grief which is entirely different.
I still haven't been able to bring myself to listen to Jimmy's music because I can't bear to hear the voice that is no longer here. I loved Jimmy so much and I have so many regrets that I didn't spend more time with him. We lived in Austin for a year and saw him only a couple of times....and that was at his shows where if we were lucky we were able to speak to him for a few minutes because so many people wanted to talk to him. I barely know my nephew Jackson and that makes me very sad. One of my resolutions for 2018 is to go down to Austin and spend some time with him. Maybe telling him stories of his dad's childhood would help in his healing and help me as well.
As for my dad, I know I did the best I could and Joe and I will never regret the time we spent in Kingfisher caring for him. Anyone that has a loved one with dementia/alzheimers will tell you it's a never ending job and my own health was so compromised at the time that it came to a point that I simply couldn't do it anymore. Still it remains one of the things I beat myself up over that I failed somehow and he ended up in a facility, albeit a really good one. The last word he said to me and to Connie after we returned him from a family gathering was "get the hell out of here then" when we told him he had to stay and we had to go. 3 days later he died suddenly and while in so many ways it was a blessing, it still hurts and adds to the guilt that I can't seem to break thru.
My job was one I dearly loved and the loss was profound. My job has always defined me somewhat and so after 4 months of searching and not finding another, it is a daily struggle for me to have any self worth. I'm scared that I won't find another job and what that means for our future. Joe is working crazy hours to compensate but that in many ways causes more heartache for me as I don't see him nearly often enough and he misses out on so many things.
Add some minor things to the last 6 months, like falling and busting my tooth and the bills from that, and I can work myself into a pretty phenomenal pity party pretty rapidly.
I can't bring Jimmy or my dad back, and I have decided on the job that when God wants me back to work he will direct where and when and so I am determined to go forward into this brand new year with a positive attitude. If I have to fake it to make it than that's what I'll do.
Why is it so much easier to give in to the sorrow than to appreciate the blessings? I am determined to appreciate the blessings. Hannah, for one who came into this world in January of what would be the most challenging year of my life. Joe, because a better man I could not have found. He loves me with his whole heart and I feel that love even when he's not around. Pablo, omg this dog makes my heart sing....he listens without judging, keeps me on my toes, and makes me laugh constantly. He's a little "manic" but he's exactly the personality I need. Having Liz and Andy a short drive away is a blessing. Being in Colorado which was a life long dream to live in the mountains. Chris and Juliet and the wonderful parents they are to little Hannah. My neighbor Donna who has become a dear friend and someone to go to plays and Bingo and out to eat with. My family in Oklahoma that always welcome me with open arms when I am able to visit. Deronda, who has been a part of my life for so many years and who would help me in a heartbeat. That she was my mom's best friend before she got with my dad turned out to be a blessing as well because we are able to talk about my mom and laugh about her whenever we are together. My nieces and nephews who are all incredibly great "kid's" I love them all. Dear friends, old and new who I am grateful to have in my life. Some I barely know but connected with thru Jimmy like Christine and Terry and Pat. And extended family including my cousin Roxeanne who is 15 minutes away.
Life , in short, is good. I am anxious to find myself again in a place of peace and contentment and so I have made resolutions to that end. I am going to find a grief group, continue to work to find a great job, start writing again, find a Church to go to. Comedy seems a far goal if I ever take it up again. I used to find the funny in everything but now I can't seem to find that bubble of laughter very often.
And to get healthy is another priority. I have an appointment with a new endocrinologist because I want to live to see Hannah grown and I haven't been focused enough on my diabetes management.
My faith has been shaken to the core this year, yet my faith has always sustained me. And it will continue to.
My goal is to write a blog once a week. And to make it fit with my BLOG title of LAUGHING with LeeAnn. And while I have learned the hard way that you can't control everything in this life, I know that I can control my attitude. And that's what I intend to do.
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