Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

Have you ever thought about how many little white lies we tell in a day? Oh, your hair looks cute (is that color fuschia or hot pink) or this cake you made is good (while choking it down). I used to work for an insurance guy years ago who was NEVER in the office. He didn't want his clients to know how often he was gone (hunting) and so he would say tell them I'm on another line and will call them back this afternoon. I hated to lie knowing he was out hunting so I'd say "he'll call you back...he's in the field. Solved that little problem.

Come to think of it is it a lie if you embellish a story to make it funnier? Or how about if I borrow a funny story that happened to someone else and say it was me. A lot of what I do in my comedy routine is made up. For example, if you viewed my video clip about the kimora I will admit here that I don't actually own one. My comedy is a mixture of truth and well....call a spade a spade, lies though I prefer the term embellishments. Not harmful lies. I just take a little creative license here and there.

There are all kind of lies. What about the kind where you don't actually lie, you just leave out some of the truth. For example, your teenager is going to go to a sleepover at a friends. You ask "will their parents be home?" Yes of course they respond. And as they walk away under their breath..in 3 days. Or they tell you they are going to a friends to study and neglect to mention that the friend is in a different city and all they are going to study is the girls at the mall. Not that my sons did these things...I'm borrowing from others experience for my examples. Or what about the kid that says they have no homework...and they really don't...because they left it at school.

Then there are the lies where someone twists what you say. For example, I had a friend in middle school who had this tight skirt her mother wouldn't let her wear to school. So she would take it in her backpack, change at school and then change back before getting on the bus at the end of the day. One day she forgot and her mother said I told you not to wear that skirt to school I didn't she replied...I wore it from school. One time when my son Chris was little he was riding his tricycle on the driveway. I told him he could ride on the driveway but not in the street. I turned away for a minute, looked back and he was in the street. CHRISTOPHER BYERS, I said, in mom tone. I told you not to go in the street. I'm not he said, his little angelic face looking back at me, I'm not in the street, I'm on it. Smart kid!

I have decided that the online dating sites encourage you to lie by not giving you enough choices on the answers to their questions. On one Christian dating site it asks if you are a Christian. Not sure what happens if you check no...anyway, one guy I met on there later told me "I am a Christian, but I don't beleive in that Christ stuff" I pointed out that Christ was the root word of Christian but that just made him mad.

The question about body type is really an open field day for lies. One of the choices is a few extra pounds. Ok, a few can mean 5 to some and 55 to others. How do you determine where you cross from few extra pounds to big and beautiful. Or the box that says Average for body type. In comparison to what. That would depend on the people around you wouldn't it? Very subjective that one.

I felt like I was rejecting my grown sons when I checked the box No on
do you want children. But if I checked yes I would be lying because I don't and can't have anymore.

Or I like this one...do you own a car? Yes or No. No, I just hitchhike everywhere should be an option. Why do they ask that. Of course I guess if the person has checked no then you might consider that they only want to get to know you cause you can give them a ride.

Whats the difference between single and divorced. Does single mean you have never married and divorced means you were married but now are single? Very confusing. Is it really pre-marital sex if you've been married before, just to someone else?

Sometimes its difficult to know what the truth is. For example, the coffee date at IHOP last night at 10:05. 10:05 because he told me he got off work at 10 and was five minutes away. Said he worked at the VA hospital. His narrative says he owns a new red corvette, that he loves to travel and his next trip will be Italy, that he is in the Transporation business, that he is considering grad school. Sounds like a pretty decent guy. Lets see checklist, employed, educated, likes to travel, educated. Ok, let me translate that for you.

He shows up at 10:05 which is good because I am a punctuality stickler. I hate when people are late. Drives me crazy. He comes into the IHOP lobby and I extend my hand and say Hi, I'm LeeAnn. He takes my extended hand, lifts it to his lips and kisses it (weirdo) and says something like "a pleasure". I'm thinking the kissing my hand thing must be a European thing cause after all he does like to travel and Italy is up next. Then he says, how do you like my hot car? I said, its nice. He says, well don't let it fool you into thinking I have money...I'm $125,000 in debt. Ok, why would you tell someone that? Seriously? When we sit down I ask how his day at work was. Oh, I don't work there he says. I'm a patient. ?????????????????? What do you mean I ask thinking he's fled the hospital against medical advice. Oh I do odds and ends for them and they let me stay there. Ok, deep breaths. So you don't work? No, disabled he says. Agent Orange in Vietnam. Mental stuff, drugs and alchohol but I'm 27years clean(thank God I think) but I had a heart attack recently and it was caused by agent orange. I'm not considered 100% yet so I get $238 a month. So what about the transporation business I say. Oh,since I don't work and unemployed is not a woman magnet I just made that up. I transport myself to the mailbox to get my disability check each month.

I change the subject making a mental note to pay for my own coffee. So you mentioned your next trip is to Italy I say. What was your last trip?
I half expected him to say something about LSD but he didn't. He said,"Vietnam". I said when was that? He said 1971.

So I change the subject again. So grad school huh? Thats pretty driven to go back to grad school in your 60's. He looks at me puzzled. I said, you know your profile says you are considering grad school. Oh, he said, I dropped out in 9th grade and I'm in GED classes. Considering graduating school. Ok, so grad meant graduating. Totally different meaning.

I'm done at this point. And truly done when he asks me to tell him something funny and I do and he doesn't laugh and says thats not really funny. Me and several dozen other people beg to differ I think. What do you think is funny I ask and he tells me a joke that I can't repeat on my G rated blog.

So my point is, truth is also subjective. You have to shovel a lot of B.S. to get to the truth sometimes. Anyone got a shovel I can borrow?