Sad news today at work. One of our nurses, that we use on a part time basis found out she has Stage 4 Liver cancer that has metastasized. With chemo, the doctors give her a month, without a couple of weeks. I saw her a few weeks ago when I hand delivered a paycheck to her at her other job so she wouldn’t have to drive all the way to the office in Checotah. On the way to deliver it I managed to knock over my Diet Dr. Pepper and so the envelope I handed her was wet. I apologized about the state of the check and had her open it to make sure it was legible. It was and we had a good laugh about how if anyone was going to spill something on a paycheck it was me. My tendency for klutziness is well know, even among our part time employees apparently. When we got the news that she had gone into the hospital with unexplained pain in her abdomen and then the news that it was cancer and then today that it was inoperable and terminal I felt a lump in my throat as I think of what she faces and a sigh of relief that the only worry I have at the moment is getting my taxes mailed in on time.
And it started thinking about what if, what if it was me, what if I were in her shoes and knew I only had a few weeks left on Earth. What would I do? What amends do I need to make? What hurts and wrongs do I need to forgive? What people do I need to tell how I feel about them? What advice do I still need to give to my sons that I haven’t given yet? What plans do I need to make? What would I wish I had done that I never did?
I remember several years ago my friend Alma was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was an amazing woman who had babysat my kids when they were young and who became a surrogate mother to me when we first moved to Muskogee. As the boys got older and into school, I lost touch with her a little more each passing year. She would call me ever so often to see what I was up to and to ask about the boys. I would stop by her house ever so often to visit with her and I always came away thinking I really need to see her more because she was such a wise woman and she had such good advice and she truly loved me and my sons. Everytime I saw her I would promise to come by and have lunch with her, as soon as I had time. The last time I saw her she was in the hospital fighting for her life. I told her that as soon as she got out we would have lunch. I remember she smiled and said “I hope you do come by. I miss you and I always look forward to seeing you…but I know how busy you are.” I remember saying, Alma, I promise when you get home I will make time for you and I to have lunch.” She didn’t make it out and when I learned she had died, regret hit me like a ton of bricks.
Years ago I taught a weight loss class at my Church. It was a Bible Study/Weight loss class. The participants fondly called it the Pray your butt off class. There was a lady in the class that didn’t attend our Church but had heard of the class and so she joined and she would come early to help me set up and stay late to talk to me. She was one of the most upbeat people I knew and I always enjoyed walking with her out to our cars after class and lingering for a few minutes just to chat about our lives. One night after class we walked out to our cars like always and chatted for a few minutes and then she said, “I appreciate so much what you do for the class and I’d like to take you to lunch tomorrow or someday soon. “ I said, that would be great Barbara, I’ll call you and we can figure out a day to go. But I didn’t. I got caught up in the usual pace of my life, kid activities, etc and didn’t make the call. That weekend, I got a call from a class member who asked if I had heard about Barbara’s death. I was stunned to say the least. She had been killed in a car accident when another driver ran a stop light. I was filled with sadness and remorse and regret that I hadn’t followed through and called her for lunch. The funeral was held a few days later and the Church service was packed and all these people got up and spoke about what an incredible person she was. I left feeling particularly sad that I had only known her a short time. When I got home, I went and got the mail out of the mailbox and in it was a card, postdated a day before her death. The card was a thank you note. It was thanking me for teaching the class and helping others with their goals and etc. But the last sentence is what struck me hard and remains in my mind to this day. It read, mostly thank you for being such a good listener and for always having time for me. Barbara
There are so many times in our lives when we get so caught up in our own junk that we don’t take the time to nurture friendships and relationships. We always think, well I’ll call her next week or I’ll tell him how I feel next time I see him, or I will do that when the kids are grown……..but sometimes we don’t get that chance. I wonder now what was so important that I couldn’t make or find the time to call or visit Alma who was very precious to me. Or Barbara who wanted simply to become better acquainted. I want to live a life without regrets. I may be busy. But I want to be able to say I am never too busy for a friend. I don’t want to go to another funeral and feel that sadness, that remorse for leaving something undone, or unsaid.
I stopped on my way home and bought some thank you cards, some I’m sorry cards and some I miss you cards. Its time to take stock of some things I need to do so that I will not have to say I wish I had….I plan to write the long overdue thank you cards for people who have encouraged me, who have cared for me and who have loved me. I plan to write long overdue I’m sorry cards to people I have hurt and not found time to make amends with (thankfully there won’t be many of those to send). I plan to send I miss you cards to friends I have lost touch with because I’ve been too busy. And I plan to take the time, make the time and say the words that I need to say.
And its not just relationships that I want to be able to have a life without regret in regards to.
There are lots of things I have done or not done that I regret. Time to fix that if I can. For example:
I regret that I let my weight and my health become a low priority. I am working to fix that
I regret that I never went to a class reunion because working on this one has re-connected me with some pretty great people I would probably have never seen or talked to again had I not gotten involved. I am going this year and to everyone thereafter.
I regret that I stayed in a relationship for 5 years that I should have left long before that but didn’t have the courage to admit it was over. I have learned from that experience and will not make that mistake again.
I regret that I stayed away from my Church for so long because I am so happy and fulfilled now that I am back.
And I regret that I didn’t start blogging years ago because it has become such a mode of personal fulfillment for me that I don’t think I could stop if I wanted to.
Seize the day. It may be the only chance you get!
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