Pushing through

I have been walking everyday now for 40 consecutive days and just like they say it has become a habit. I actually have days where I can’t wait to get off work so I can go walk.  Which is a HUGE difference than the me of 41 days ago when I couldn’t wait to get off work to go home, plop down in my recliner and flip channels until bedtime.  From that very first day of walking where I thought I would literally die after 5 minutes but kept going to today when I walked 4 miles, it has been quite a journey. 

Every day when I get set to walk, I set my timer on my i-phone or set the runkeeper activity keeper and after about 5 minutes my shins begin to hurt, or my back, or my feet hurt and I think  “I can’t possibly do this today. I’ve gone 5 minutes and I’m ready to give up.”  But every time I push through.  I just try to put my mind on something besides the pain.  Sometimes if I’m alone I rehearse new comedy bits.  Sometimes, I sing if there is no one else on the track.  A lot of times I pray  aloud, just me and God having a conversation.  And pretty soon, 10 minutes have passed, then 30, then 45, 60 and I hate to stop.  I push through, hit my goal and then feel pretty awesome about it.

Life requires a lot of push through moments.  When I thought I couldn’t survive one more day in that awful first marriage, when I had began to collect sleeping pills and seriously thought of putting myself out of my misery, something inside me made me push through to the next day.  Every day was a challenge to get through, every minute sometimes felt like an eternity. I was so tired, so weary, so overcome with sadness and hopelessness that I felt like there was no way out.  But I pushed through. And when I finally had the courage and the strength to make the break I was glad I had pushed through. Had I not, I wouldn’t have experienced a wonderful marriage and I wouldn’t have my two precious sons.

And when Mike decided he didn’t want to be married anymore it was another push through moment. The overwhelming sadness, the anguish of the betrayal, the devastation that the divorce caused in my life…..that was a challenge.  I look back and am grateful for the group of friends and family that kept me functioning, that challenged me daily to push through the pain, get on with my life, if not for me, for my sons. 

When it  became obvious that my mom was not going to beat her Pancreatic Cancer,  when I was laid off from my job around the same time, when I had finals to take the day after she died to get through my last semester and graduate…that entire few months of grief and sorrow and sadness was a testament to just how   strong a faith I have.  The days that followed when life seemed empty without my mom, when I was trying to find a job and couldn’t get through an interview without  bursting into tears, when the thrill of getting that diploma was bittersweet because my mom was not there to watch me receive it.  Push through moments.

There really is not an option. There is no way out but through the pain.  But once you are through it you are a wiser, stronger, more compassionate and in the case of my walking a healthier person because of it.

I remember when I was pregnant with Chris.  I could hardly wait to give birth to him and to start a new chapter in our lives as a family of 3.  But the day I went into labor I suddenly changed my mind.  All of the sudden I was overwhelmed with fear.  Not just about the physical part of giving birth but what would come afterwards.  I remember telling Mike “ I have changed my mind…I don’t think I can do this”. I remember he laughed and said “well it’s a little late now.  You are gonna have to push through this.

And push I did.  I have no idea to this day why I chose natural childbirth. I think it must have been the trend in 1985 because I am a wimp when it comes to pain. But push through that pain I did. And the end result was worth every second of agony. 

Joel Osteen tells a story on one of his tapes about climbing a mountain path and how when he thought he couldn’t go any further  and was about to turn back an older man came down the path the opposite direction…Not much further he said.  You can do it..Just push through.  Joel Osteen did and within a few more yards he broke through the trees and realized he was at the top.  Imagine if he had given up, if he had turned back.  He never would have experienced the exhilaration of reaching the top. 

I still have a lot of push through moments to come.  I am terribly afraid of heights.  I want to visit the Grand Canyon and walk out onto the glass platform. I think that will be a pretty major push through moment for me.  Someone will probably have to actually get behind and push me onto the platform.  It may take someone on the other side pulling me as well.  But I know that if I can do that I can face any fear.  

Sometimes the breakthrough moment, the moment when you are ready to risk your heart again for love, the moment when your grief becomes fond memories, when your ½ mile becomes 4 miles is closer than you think.  You just have to keep pushing, keep striving and keep focused.  And reap the reward.