I listened to a free teleconference tonight on line sponsored by the Speed dating company that I attended a speed dating session with in January. The title of the webinar was Being Single Sucks….how to improve your chances of meeting Mr./Mrs. Right.
It was actually very interesting and gave me a lot of food for thought. There were actually 3 things that the guy who was speaking said were crucial in attracting someone. Very predictable things really.
Good self esteem topped the list. He talked about how many times we are our own worst enemy. He said that most of us single people are guilty of asking ourselves the wrong questions. For example, he said instead of asking what am I doing wrong, which automatically puts the blame on yourself and tells your brain that you are at fault to ask instead What’s awesome about me…and focus on that instead. I am soooooo guilty of the former. I can’t remember a time when a relationship, whether new or long term didn’t work out that I didn’t automatically assume it was something I did or didn’t do. So I am going to make a conscious effort to change the tape that runs thru my head when I meet someone and they aren’t interested and instead of making the assumption that I am too this or too that or not enough this or not enough that, I am going to say I am awesome…something must be wrong with them.
The next thing he talked about was Projecting Confidence. The goal then would be to act without fear of failure, or rejection, or criticism. Much easier said than done though this one is not really that difficult for me since I’m pretty “fearless” according to my friends. Most of my single friends wouldn’t dream of going to a speed dating event, or joining one of the online sites, or going on a blind date. I have mastered the attitude of "what have I got to lose" and so I’m pretty willing to try anything once. I think I projected a large amount of confidence for example when I got on a flight to Nashville and flew to meet a man I’d been talking to online for a few months. My friends and family held their breath in horror that I would do something so …well stupid is the word most used. I am cautious by nature and I took all the necessary precautions when I did this. And though we didn’t turn out to be a “match”, I can honestly say my day with Matt the Magician ranks high on my list of one of the most fun days I’ve ever had. Not only that but the interaction with Matt over those months were a big catalyst in getting on the stage to try my hand at stand up…I mean, if a comedian/magician thinks you are one of the the funniest people they’ve ever met, that seems to bode well for others to feel the same.
Finally, the speaker talked about Building your identity, building your belief system. How can we expect other people to like us and want to get to know us if we don’t have a clue what we are about and we don’t particularly like ourselves. To define this, he suggested asking friends and co-workers to pretend to describe you to a person that has never met you…not in a physical sense but personality and character. And then compare it to what you would say about yourself and see if they match. He went on to say that a lot of people that think of themselves as confident , others would describe as stuck up. Or someone that says they are outgoing might be described as annoyingly chatty by others. Or someone who claims to be friendly is actually quite aloof when in a social situation with people they don’t know well. I think I may want to ask a few people to describe me....though my lack of self esteem makes me worry about what they might say!
All in all, most of the advice was the same old trite expressions that we’ve heard all our lives. Just be yourself, it’s whats on the inside that counts, it’s their loss (if they don’t like you), men don’t like to be asked out, men liked to be asked out (ok which is it?), play hard to get, don’t play games (ok, which is it?).
Though there were a few suggestions that I am going to try this week. One was to speak to 5 total strangers every week. Even if its just to ask the time. Doesn’t necessarily have to be someone you want to date or even someone of the opposite sex. The point is to go outside your normal circle of comfort and gauge the reaction you get from the total strangers. This might be fun! I just said Hi on the facebook chat to a man last night that I went to high school with and he immediately went off line. If I can be that intimidating on line imagine how fun it will be in person.
The other one might be a little more difficult. This one involves finding some way to touch the person you are interested in. I had to laugh out loud at this one. Those of you who know me have heard the story of the cute guy at church that I sort of scared the first time I talked to him because I mentioned what pew he sits in every week. And then at the look of fear on his face I went on to explain that I know where everyone sits every week because I’m in the choir loft and there is nothing to do but memorize where the congregation sits while trying not to fidget. I don’t do sitting still for long periods of time well. I mentioned that I had somehow managed to end up in the communion line right behind him one Sunday and my boss thought that was somehow planned. I swear it wasn’t. Nor was the fact that the seat I chose to sit in after communion when the choir had been released to the pews happened to be directly in front of him. (ok, I knew the general area but I really didn’t mean to sit right in front of him….seriously, so he could look at the back of me the rest of the service…I was so uncomfortable). She said maybe the next time the choir got to sit in the “congregation” that I should trip and accidently fall into his lap. Haha Lynelle. I’m a little more subtle than that…not much but a little!
I think I’ll skip the touch thing for now. That one is gonna take a little more finesse. Of course with my natural clumsiness it is conceivable that I could fall down and wipe out a cute guy I’ve maneuvered myself in line behind at the grocery store without much effort.
All in all it was a pretty interesting webinar. And I needed something to fill my time! Since I have gone cold turkey on the online sites, I am not busy sending smiles and winks and fish and handshakes and nudges and roses and whatever else you send. Gotta fill my time somehow!
I have often heard it said that when you least expect it, love finds you. I think I’ll go with that theory for now. Finding IT is way too much work!!!!
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