Several weeks ago it came to light in a discussion on the class reunion website that several people had no desire to re-visit the days of high school because for them it had not been a good experience. Many references were made to the “popular people” or the “in-crowd” and not being one of these people. It was evident that these classmates, who had anything but fond memories of high school , felt slighted by some of their classmates. While I can’t remember any instances of feeling like someone was mean or rude to me,I do understand what it felt like to be on the outside. While I don’t have particularly fond memories of high school, mine were more because of choices I made not to participate in various activities whether from lack of confidence,skill , or because I was hanging out with my boyfriend most of my free time. When I think back on those days,I can remember a certain degree of envy for those who seemingly “had it all’. But that’s as far as it goes.
When I went off to college after graduation, I joined a sorority. Had I not been dating someone whose mother was very active in the Sorority system, I doubt I would have chosen to be in sorority. I was actually very introverted at the time, and not a very social person to be honest. What I found was pretty much the same thing I had experienced in High School. Even in the Sorority house there were girls that seem to “have it all”. I met some pretty wonderful people and my memories of those days are pretty good overall. I certainly didn’t fit the sorority girl mold though. My clothes weren’t the latest fashion, I drove a beat up old Cadillac with Just Married rusted out on the hood and a coathanger for an antennae. I worked 2 jobs just to be able to afford to pay the sorority dues and participate in the various activities. While my parents paid my college tuition, everything else I had to pay for on my own. There were various fines in the sorority for missing functions,meetings etc. At one point I realized that my work schedule, my school schedule and my financial situation were simply not a good match for the Sorority life. I was paying more out in fines than I was earning. I was one of the few that lived at home, having grown up in Stillwater. That contributed to the feeling of isolation, of being an outsider at times. I moved into the sorority house for one semester and it was great. But financially, it was a struggle for me and my parents. Eventually, I realized that I simply didn’t have the time or money and the stress of trying to keep up was too much. So I turned in my sorority pin, said my goodbyes to some truly wonderful people and moved on.
The first “career”type job I had was with Sohio Petroleum in Oklahoma City. Even in the work environment there were degrees /levels of popularity and hierarchy established long before I came to work there. Certain groups of people that always ate lunch together. Certain groups of people that went Happy Hour after work together. I could easily have asserted myself and become part of the group. But I hung back and stayed isolated in most cases, thinking that I didn’t have the same social status, or management level, or whatever to be included in their world.
The first Church we attended when we moved to Muskogee had a number of “lawyers,and doctors, and judges….the Muskogee elite. I was one of the few women who worked and parented. Most of the young mothers my age were stay at home moms whose days were filled with play dates with their friends and their kids, or leisurely lunches at the tea room, or attending functions at the Country Club. Once again, I felt isolated. I simply didn’t fit in.
All this to say that for a good part of my life I felt unimportant, isolated and somewhat substandard.
It would be easy to blame the people that I was around, the ones I felt excluded me for feeling this way. The truth is though that I don’t believe any of these people were even aware that I felt that way. I don’t think any of them “snubbed” me on purpose. If I felt less than important, well, that was my own issue.
Eventually, I came to the realization that no one can make you feel less than, except yourself. And so I began to jump in not caring what others thought. Worrying about what someone thought of me became less important. What mattered was simply being who I am and if someone chose to reject me, or not include me for whatever reason….then I ceased to be effected by that. I came to value myself just as I am, without having to try to be something that I’m not. Pleasing other people became less of a focus. And as my mindset changed, so did my life. The “shyness” which was actually more of a “fear” disappeared. I began to live my life in a totally different way. I ceased to care to a big extent whether I had the right clothes, the right figure,the right friends. I just began to embrace life as it came and learned that people are just people. What’s that old saying, we all put on our pants one leg at a time.
I learned that when I wasn’t worrying about what everyone else thought, or worrying about why I wasn’t included in this thing or that club or organization that I really liked myself. And that I had a gift for making people laugh. And I had a gift for making people feel at ease. And that I had a lot of storedup words that I needed to use. LOL And took a giant leap of faith getting up on a stage, knowing that I might not be funny at all. Had I been boo’ed or the reaction lukewarm, I wonder if I would have pressed on. Hard to say.
That’s not to say I don’t have my regressions back into the “not feeling valuable” mode because of someone’s treatment of me.
A friend and I were talking after my “date” with twinguy and his statement that he “didn’t find me physically attractive”. Obviously that was pretty rude of him to say so. Can’t really fault someone for honesty though and he wasn’t mean spirited about it. But the effect those words had on my self confidence and self esteem was profound. I began to question my value as a person. I began to question whether or not I would ever be “good enough” to have a meaningful relationship. It took some tough talk, some tough words from my friend to shake the “funk” I was in due to the words of someone who didn’t know me that well, that made a snap judgment about me as a person, from what I looked like and the fact that “I wasn’t his type” . Suddenly I was back in High School, in college…back to the days where someone else’s opinion of me had power over me. Not a good feeling. But I bounced back from that, even had a good conversation with “twinguy” about it.
Then the comedian stood me up. And I fell back “momentarily” to my old pattern of thinking what did I do wrong…I did nothing wrong. HE was the one that blew his chance to get to know ME. It truly was HIS loss.
I was reading my devotional book ( a daily thing) and the reading was from Galatians 1:10 “Do you think I am trying to make people accept me? No, God is the One I am trying to please. Am I trying to please people? If I still wanted to please people, I would not be Servant of Christ”.
My mom was a good mentor in that regard. She loved everyone, felt excluded by no one. She didn’t wait to be approached by the “in group” at Church or wherever. She just jumped right in, feet first, no caring what they thought. She didn’t know the word “clichés”. Her circle of friends knew no “social status boundaries”. People were people to her. Nothing made her madder than to see someone being treated as if they were less than someone else or that they didn’t matter. God loves everyone she would say. And she was right.
And the bottom line is what difference does it make to you what someone else becomes, or says, or does? You don’t need to answer for the actions of others, only for yourself.
Realize not everyone is going to like you ,no matter what you do or say. Don’t focus on that. The people that like you for you no matter what are the ones that matter. My granny had this plaque on her wall when I was a little girl. It read “if you like yourself, you will never be alone”. Didn’t make that much sense to me as a child. Still could be interpreted a couple of ways. I used to think it meant that even if you had no one you had yourself or something like that. But I have come to the realization in the last few years that to me what it really means is that people will respond to and like someone who is genuine. Who truly like themselves. Who aren’t caught up in what others think, or busy trying to be something they aren’t just to fit in.
And the bottom line is, at this point in my life, I like myself. I may be single, but I am not alone. Are there things I’d like to change about myself? Absolutely. But for the most part I’m happy just being me.
L
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