I spent time Saturday working on my book about my Mom. When I am really troubled or down in the dumps, it always helps me to get out her journal and start typing in a lesson to respond to in my book. Its funny how I will pull out a notebook at random, flip it open and the lesson there is usually one that fits the situtation or the mood I'm in. I expected to pull one out on persecution after Friday's run in over the blog. Instead the lesson was about trials and troubles. Which also fit the situation.
So many times I am tempted to say "why me" when something happens instead of why not me? No one promised that life was ever gonna be easy or fair. Sometimes its easy to look at someone else's life and think they have it made. But you never know whats really happening in that person's life. Appearances can be deceiving. How many times have you know someone that appears happy and carefree and then hear that they are getting a divorce, or filing for bankruptcy, or have a medical condition?
My mom's lesson mentioned a time when I had just moved to Houston working for an oil company and my husbands wallet was stolen from work. He had his pin# in the wallet and so a thief cleaned out our bank account. We had no other money, had just moved to Houston and really didn't know anyone except our co-workers that could help us until we could get the money back. It was the final straw in a series of mishaps beginning with a flat tire on the way down...which we had to unpack the loaded trunk for to get the spare.....and we unpacked everything onto a bed of red ants. Next up was Hurricane Alicia which hit days after we arrived. We were lucky to only be without power for a couple of days...but it was a scary, new experience that I don't want to repeat. My dog Grover got sick and needed surgery, the traffic was a nightmare, work was chaos because the office in Oklahoma City had just moved to Houston and there was a blending of Houston, OKC and San Francisco employees (the SF office had also closed). I was in the midst of planning my wedding....seemed like everything that could go wrong did that first week or two in Houston.
I remember thinking that all of these things were a "sign" that the Houston move was not a good idea!" We perservered through the trials...and probably learned a few lessons from the experience...look where you lay your stuff, red ants are angry little suckers, pin #'s in your wallet with the debit card is not a good plan among them.
When I first started going to Church on a regular basis several years ago, I had a pretty good life. My marriage was strong, my kids were happy and healthy, I had a great job, we had a nice home...nothing to complain about. The first day at Sunday School they opened with everyone going around the room with prayer concerns. One by one, the class members cited the problems they needed prayer for...from sick relatives, to needing a job, to defiant children, to marriage problems. When it came to me, I said "pass". I actually felt bad that everything in my life was going great. And I wondered if maybe I should leave well enough alone and not go to Church. After all , these "Christians", at Church, striving to serve God had a mess of problems. Little did I know that my time to be "tested", refined would come soon enough.
A few months later I went to a Women of Faith conference in Dallas with a friend's Church. As I sat and listened to the speakers/humorists tell the stories about their lives, many of them unhappy until they became Christians, I remarked to my friend..."That would be my dream job...to be on that stage, in front of thousands of women, relating my life stories to them, making them laugh, giving them hope." She said to me Well whats stopping you. And I said "my life's too good and I'd get booed to say so". Within a couple of years from that conference I was back at another one, sitting there too numb to even hear the words being spoken having just been devastated by a divorce I didn't see coming.
Life has a way of changing at the drop of a hat. After that, I began to write my sorrows, I began to pour out my heart to God in desperation, I began to seek out people that could help me get through the day. And when I emerged on the other side, I looked back and realized how much I had learned. I found an empathy for others that I didn't have before, I found out just how strong a woman I am, I found a faith that has never wavered, I formed friendships that last to this day. I found an instinct to survive that I didn't know I had. I found that writing was a gift and a talent. I found out just how much my family loved me. And I found out just how forgiving I can be. That awareness has carried me through some tough times. I don't invite trouble, I don't particularly like trials.
But like my mom said, I have learned to wallow in the self pity for a few minutes, shake it off and say God, what are you trying to teach me? Not, God, why are you doing this to me.
There is a certain peace that comes from accepting that things happen for a reason. It has consoled me when I didn't get the job I wanted. It has consoled me when I haven't been happy with the way a date turned out, when the air conditioner went out, when the car broke down (I met that cute fireman after all). I may not be able to find the "good" the "lesson" the "reason" at the time, but I know in time it will be clear to me. So many times I've looked back on something that I considered a disapointment, at trial and am able to clearly see that it was something that was meant to be. For a reason. That repairman that I wanted to go out with but never got the courage to "ask out"....turned out to be a convicted rapist. That job that I didn't get and felt like I was cheated (company closed long ago).....That layoff that came at a really bad time? (turns out I needed that time to spend with my mom who would die a few weeks later).
I won't say I welcome trials. Trouble is something I try to avoid if I can. But when "stuff" happens" as the bumper sticker says...I accept it, I work through it, I learn from it and I brace myself for the next round of "stuff".
Sometimes you're the windshield..sometimes you're the bug.
L
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