I read a quote yesterday that really made me stop and think.
Not everything that is faced can be changed..But nothing can be changed until it is faced”.
James Baldwin
The first thing I thought of was a relationship I was in that I knew in my heart was not going to work. It was obvious to both of us that it was time to move on. But neither of us wanted to face the fact that it was over. When you have a bond, a connection with someone and your life is intertwined with theirs through friendships and family and memories its very difficult sometimes to make that break. The fear of the unknown, the fear of making the wrong decision, the little voice inside that says “well maybe we are just off track a little but we can get back on, we can MAKE it work” can keep you stuck in a place that is just easier to stay in than to make a change.
2ndly, I thought of my health. It was much easier to say “well I will worry about my weight, start exercising tomorrow or next week, or when this stressful thing I have to do is done than to just say “I need to face the fact that I have let myself go…that my health and weight have taken a backseat to my desire to be healthy and fit… to a just “not care anymore attitude”. The truth is, had I not made myself get on the scale January 1st, had I not gone to the Doctor and saw the results of my labs, had I not taken a hard look at what I was doing to myself physically I would probably still be excusing away what I know I needed to face and change.
And then it happens. The straw that breaks the camel’s back; the moment of truth; when you pull your head out of the sand and say “I have got to deal with this situation. It cannot go on any longer.”
In my first, very abusive marriage I had my head in the sand. I knew I needed to make a change. I knew that things were not going to get better. But I was afraid. It was much easier to just excuse away the behavior, to even blame myself …to think well if I did this I would be treated better. Then came the moment of truth in front of several co-workers at a work function I was verbally and physically abused. The next day I moved out. And filed for divorce. Something I should have done much, much earlier but simply didn’t want to face the humiliation, the gossip, the loss, and the reality of.
In the relationship I refer to above, the moment of truth came when I got off work early one day and happened to run into him with another woman at the Dollar store. Talk about a slap in the face. I knew that there was something wrong…but I accepted his excuse that work was just stressful and he was just in a depression and that things would get better. Deep down, I felt that there was more to his withdrawal from me, his moodiness….but I didn’t want to face it.
I once had a Weight Watchers leader,many years ago that had us go around the room and say what had been our moment of truth…what had prompted us to come and join. Her story has stuck in my mind all these years. She had gone to an amusement park with her son. She had gotten on a ride with him. And when it came time to get off the ride she couldn’t get out of the “car”. She was wedged in so tightly that the ride had to be closed, and she had to be “cut out of the car”. As the crowd gathered around to watch and her young son stood by in horror watching as him mother was cut out of the ride, she said she heard someone say “lucky she didn’t squash her poor child”. That was her moment of truth. She made a vow at that very moment to get the weight off so that her son would not have to suffer that kind of humiliation again.
Seeing the video of my performance at the Muskogee Senior Follies last year was a big catalyst for me. I was horrified to see how fat I was. I knew deep down that I had gained a lot of weight. Seeing it on film was a whole other matter. I have a ways still to go. A picture that a co-worker took of me yesterday working on our Boat for the Cardboard Boat regatta caused me to realize I need to re-focus and re-new my vow to get the weight off, keep it off and beat this diabetes. Not that I have stopped trying. I still go to the gym everyday and exercise, something I will do for the rest of my life. But I haven’t been quite as careful about my food choices, my portion sizes. Keeping a record of what I eat. Today I am back on track. This is something I can change. I have faced it. I have a new resolve.
Working on our boat last night, one of my co-workers said “man, I could use a cigarette.” I said “I didn’t know you smoked.” She said,I don’t…I used to. So I asked her how she went about quitting. She said “when I went to see my first COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder) patient and she was taking her oxygen mask off and taking a drag on a cigarette and then putting it back on. Which not only is extremely dangerous….but she said the reality of it hit her. This woman, a patient on hospice, terminally ill because of smoking….still that dependent on smoking. It was her moment of truth. There but by the Grace of God go I………………………………..
Some things are beyond our control and can’t be changed even when faced. We cannot control other people. There is always the risk that someone we love is going to reject us. And even the people we love & trust are going to probably let us down at some point.
Sometimes we know we need to change something…the way we spend money, the way we talk to our co-workers or family, the oil in our car (lol)…the way we spend our time. Maybe there is a grudge we are holding against someone that needs to be fixed. But its too hard to approach that person and say “Hey,can we talk about this?” Maybe we know we need to tell someone we are sorry for something we did but it’s easier just to put it off rather than swallow our pride and make the first move.
No one can change you but you…. And more importantly, we need to accept people as they are and not expect that we can change them. Whenever someone disappoints me (which happens often in the “dating realm”) and I start to excuse the behavior, or blame myself, I am slowly but surely learning that some things are beyond my control and sometimes its best just to say “It is what it is.” What will be, will be. I’m gonna wash that man right out of my hair (wasn’t that a commercial?)
Face it, change it if you can, let it go it you can’t. Like the serenity prayer…accept the things you cannot change…
Today is the 1st day of the rest of your life. Make it all you hoped it would be.
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