I woke up in a great mood today. I think it might have something to do with the great date I had last night. The fact that I have met a truly nice man that I really like who also likes me. Or it might have something to do with the fact that Chris and Juliet and the puppies are coming up this weekend. Or that my dad and Deronda drove all the way over to Muskogee to see me preach which really touched me. Or that Andy is living in Muskogee and I know I can count on him to help me out if I need anything…or the fact that I am doing what I love, comedy and writing my blog. Or that I have such an awesome job and work with people I truly love as friends as well as co-workers. Or that I have so many friends that I can count on. Or it might be that the cool front (hey it was 95 degrees yesterday!), or the fact that my health is improving dramatically as I exercise and I just feel so much better. Or that today when I bought a bulb to replace a headlight that is out, my co-worker Jack offered to install it for me tomorrow so that I don’t have to figure out what a socket is. Or that handbells and choir are back in session and I truly love playing and singing. Or the excitement I feel about the upcoming class reunion and getting to see people that I haven’t seen in 35 years.
It could be any of those things. It could be a combination of those things. I think today it was all of those things. But the truth of the matter is that I wake up in pretty good moods every day. Because even on the days when everything seems to go wrong, even on the days when there is very little to smile about , I usually manage to find the humor in the trials or at least find something to be grateful for.
Part of my “sunny” disposition is that I bear no grudges against anyone. There is no one in my life, past or present that I have ill feelings toward. I don’t necessarily want to be facebook friends with an ex-husband and there are some former friends that will remain Former because I don’t want them in my life for valid reasons. But I don’t have ill will toward them. I may not want to be around them. But I don’t dislike them. Even the guy who deserted me a few weeks ago on our date. Or the guy who stood me up. Or the guy who told me he didn’t find me attractive. I wrote a blog about forgiveness a couple months ago. That blog offended someone that had long ago been forgiven for what was one of the most significant losses of my life. And caused me to have to start the forgiveness process all over again with this person. I wake up with a clear conscience each day because the relationships in my life are in order. The people that I love know I love them. The friends that I cherish know that I cherish them. Even the people that I don’t particularly like probably don’t know that because I truly do treat others as I would want to be treated. And I know at the end of the day I can say I have done my best to be the best person I can be that day.
I have always believed that saying about what goes around comes around. Maybe that’s why I try so hard to be nice even though I sometimes it would be easier to be rude and hateful when people are that way to me. Sometimes, as in the case of the “jerk” who left in the middle of the date it’s difficult to not to give him a piece of my mind. Would that make me feel better? Probably for a few minutes. Would it make him feel bad? Probably not. He obviously didn’t care about my feelings then, why would he care now. As for the guy who stood me up, what would it accomplish to let him know how rude it was of him to not show up after I had changed plans so that I could meet him? Would it make me feel better? Probably for a few minutes. Would it make him feel bad. Probably not. And as for being told I wasn’t attractive….would it change the fact that that’s how he felt if I were to point out how bad that comment made me feel? Probably not. There is nothing to gain by holding on to the hurt, the anger, the disappointment. Forgiveness is the only path that makes sense.
Taking it a step further, and probably the most difficult part of the process is to forget the offense. To not let it affect you in a negative way. Dwelling on a wrong can keep you from moving forward. Its not an easy process. The tendency is to close off, to say I will never let myself be that vulnerable again. But that gives the power to the offender. Someone said when you bury the hatchet but remember where you buried it, its not true forgiveness. It’s work to move on from hurts, to not bring them up again once you have forgiven.
I have always liked the expression when Life hands you lemons, make lemonade. You can allow the situation to sour your outlook, or you can figure out a way to use it to become a better person.
Sometimes the ripple effect of our actions is as devastating as the original offense. Everything we do affects someone. I heard someone say the other day…well I don’t like so and so. And the other person said “why not?” and the reply was “because my other friend says I shouldn’t. I thought that was pretty sad. To not be liked by someone you don’t even know because someone you do know and hurt doesn’t like you. That’s what I call “holding the grudge” for someone else. As if we don’t have enough to deal with on our own.
I am 100% sure that I will be hurt again. I am 100% sure that someone will be rude or inconsiderate or hateful to me at some point. Some people I love will let me down. Some people I barely know will hurt my feelings. Sometimes it will be intentional, and sometimes it won’t be. It’s up to me how it affects me. I can forgive, learn from it, and let it go. And hope that if I am the offender, that person will do the same for me.
You never know where someone is in their life. You don’t always know what challenges they are facing, what hurts they are harboring. You can’t know what causes someone to lash out, or be inconsiderate or feel the way they do. All you can do is control your own feelings. Easier said than done.
Getting back into the dating game has been a huge lesson in developing a thick skin. I was talking to a friend last week who is now married but who did the internet dating thing for a while. She was talking about how easy it is, when you have 10 other “online” connections vying for you attention, to not really give anyone a real chance. The thought process seems to be “well if this one isn’t perfect in every way for me” then I’ll just move on to the next one. It’s as if people have become disposable.
As for me, I am done with the sites for now. I know I’ve said that before. But this time I mean it. I’ve blocked my profile and intend to see where the latest “interest leads”. I am probably one of the best multi-taskers you will ever meet. But when it comes to the heart, I think a little focus is necessary sometimes. It’s a risk. But worth it.
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