The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of activity for me, good and bad and I realize that finding time to blog is as important to my sense of well being as finding time to exercise, sleep, etc. In a very real way, putting my thoughts down on paper helps me to de-stress. Every day that went by that I didn’t have time to blog was a day that actually felt incomplete to me. Like putting off a Task that you needed to do but couldn’t find time to get to.
Obviously, the senior follies took a lot of my time but at the same time it was a fulfilling time-spender. The practices and the Follies themselves were times I looked forward to. When I’m on stage, particularly doing my comedy, there is truly no place on earth I’d rather be. If you aren’t using your gifts and talents then you are missing out on a significant piece of your life. Truly there is no better feeling than knowing that you are using your God given talents.
Whenever people tell me I need to slow down and I think of what I do that I would have to give up, I realize that the things I do outside of work are the things that make me happy and make my life worthwhile. Unless someone wants to pay me to not work and just do all the things that are important to me, I don’t see myself slowing down.
Speaking of work, my boss who is one of my best friends lost her job in the change of ownership and I am realizing how much the love of my job was related to her. In addition to being a great friend, I looked to her for support, she was a mentor and so much fun to work with and for that I enjoyed coming to work. Change is never easy. I am struggling to give the new boss a chance, feeling conflicted and disloyal. Trying to keep up the staff spirits when my own have been so affected by her absence.
Then along comes the health crisis to add to my stress. Or maybe it’s caused by my stress. Hard to say. When my blood sugar levels that I previously had under control and was doing so well with having lost weight and starting exercising suddenly went back in the bad direction it has been a difficult transition. Monday of this week, I was given the choice of being put in the hospital to get my blood sugar regulated, or starting on insulin, something I have managed to avoid for the 4 years since being diagnosed.
Some of my fears about insulin dependency are unfounded and are psychologically based. Since my mother was on insulin and had pancreatic cancer that is naturally the connection my mind makes even though there is little or no validity to that connection according to my doctor. While as a diabetic my risk for developing pancreatic cancer is higher than people without it’s no different than the usual risks associated with heredity.
Getting past that mindset has been a challenge. As I am injecting myself with insulin now my mother and her health issues are at the forefront of my mind. I have felt the loss and sadness even harder this week. Though it’s been almost 7 years, I don’t think you ever truly heal totally from a significant loss. And I keep thinking about my sons and how they would feel if I were gone. More incentive to get healthy, YES. More worry about what if I don’t? DEFINETLEY.
And then somewhere in the midst of the turmoil I am thinking that I should be totally relying on my faith in God. Not worrying about things I can’t control. Practicing what I preach. Living out what I believe. That my life, my health, my future is in God’s hands. Easier said than done I realize.
Monday was a difficult day. Joe was there with me. He consoled me, rallied my spirits, let me cry on his shoulder and calculated insulin units for me. Knowing he was there with me was a peace of mind that was priceless. Always, when I’m sick I feel much more alone than normal because when you are feeling bad and you live alone, it’s a little scary. I am feeling pretty blessed that God brought this wonderful man into my life and that he is committed to good times and bad times with me. How easy it would have been for him to take step back and say “hmmm, do I really want to take on this woman with health issues?” His answer when I asked that question was an unequivocal yes. That’s unconditional love.
This year has been the best year of my life in so many ways. I’m not going to let all the good be out shadowed by the few glitches along the way. I have made great progress in my health in terms of eating healthier and exercising. I have found the love I have patiently waited for for 10 years. I have a job, unlike so many others. I have had the opportunity to reconnect with so many people thru facebook and the class reunion. I love my life. I really do. Now it’s about managing the risks that could cause me to lose that life. I’m ready, willing and able.
Today when someone at work offered me a donut, I looked at that donut in a whole different way (or should I say “hole” lol. Instead of thinking, well I shouldn’t because I’m diabetic and it’ll probably raise my sugar I realized that the temporary pleasure of that donut is not nearly as important as the health benefit of not having it. Taking it further, after having to spend a ton of money on insulin….I can think of it in a monetary cost. If I eat that donut and have to take 16 units of insulin because of it that insulin cost me x amount per unit. It would add up quick. For those of you with iron clad will power, ignore this last paragraph. For me every reason added helps me to stay focused on the goal. Health. Simple as that. Something money can’t buy. And while there is a whole lot of things we can’t control, there are a whole lot of things we can.
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