And the heart sees...

Joe looked at me the other night and said something to the effect that he felt very “lucky” to be marrying me and wondered out loud what was wrong with all those guys that passed me by.  I have wondered the same thing but in regard to Joe.   I think he’s pretty wonderful and  I so happy that in a few short weeks I will be his wife.  What a blessing.  It’s pretty awesome to be loved and valued that much.

We talked about the people we had gone out with that had judged us without really getting to know us.  Obviously, you aren’t going to be interested in every person you go out to dinner with on a deeper level.  But when you have been in the singles world for as long as I have, and as long as Joe has and you have a multitude of friends that are older and single its pretty easy to pick up on some patterns.

There’s a Bible verse that says something about man looking at the outside but God looks at the heart. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone was able to cherish and value people truly based on character and personality and inner strength instead of looks and type of car they drive and what’s in their bank account.

With the risk of stereotyping I would hazard to say that looks are a lot more important to men than they are to women.  I think that its perfectly normal for a man or a women to admire beauty.   Its when that criteria becomes the top priority that I get my feather a little ruffled. 

Like the guy who told me on meeting me that he didn’t find me attractive.  Fair enough.    What surprised me was that he was so upfront about it.  Later, when we became friends he told me “its not that you are unattractive, its just that I tend to date really beautiful women”.  Talk about backhanded compliment.  Or something like that.  Joe said that on some of his dates, when he mentioned  that he lived in a 5^th wheel motor home the date went downhill from there.  No one bothered to look past what they thought  meant “low income” and get to know him.  Had they done so they would have learned that he lives in a 5^th wheel by choice, not out of necessity.   After losing his job to downsizing several years ago, and facing a tough job market to be out looking for a job in his 50’s, he very quickly learned that all the things he thought he needed to be happy weren’t needed to make him happy.  His simplistic approach to life, wanting to simplify his life, downsize , get rid of debt, focus more on the important things in life which usually don’t cost money, was something that I both admired and coveted. 

The fact that he thinks I’m pretty awesome just the way I am is amazing to me and the best feeling in the world.  He said that he had seen the movie Shallow Hal several years ago and it had made a significant impact on his thinking.  Not that he is comparing himself to Hal or me to the extremely plump character played by Gwyneth Paltrow.  Just that the movie was an pretty accurate picture of what our society has become. 

There was another movie  years ago where Uma Thurman and some dark hair girl from Saturday Night Live played roommates.   The guy thought the girl he was talking to and falling in love with was the beautiful roommate when in actuality it was the heart and mind and soul of the less attractive roommate that he was falling for.  Of course, in the end he ends up with the dark hair girl.  Ahhhh, I love that movie.

I  can’t be too hard on the internet dating sites since I met Joe on Match.com and I have lots of friends who have met and married men from dating sites.   I will say that they tend to make people de-value other people somewhat.  By that I mean that you go onto these sights and you have a smorgasborg of people to choose from.  You can narrow your choices down by any number of criteria…..from height to weight to education level, to distance away, to with kids or not, to color or eyes and hair and religion and a lot of other choices.  So you go on line an create your version of the perfect man (or woman).  Then you start corresponding with them in the hopes that you meet enough of their criteria for them to be interested.   

Too many times, the expectations are set so high that there is no way you could possibly meet them.  And because there are 500,000 other singles on the sites that they can comb through, the  likelihood of someone giving you a chance if you don’t meet their every criteria are pretty slim. 

Had “I don’t find you attractive” given me a chance, I believe he would have seen beyond the few extra pounds over what he had his bar set at and seen a pretty amazing, talented and funny woman with a heart of gold who is loyal and trustworthy and worth a 2^nd look.  Actually, I think he did figure that out but only after I had moved on to someone that valued me for those qualities first and foremost and because of that looks at me and makes me feel like I am the most beautiful woman on earth. Amazing!

Many years ago, after battling my weight for several years though I was never really THAT heavy,  I lost a lot of weight. I got to my goal weight and looked better physically than I had looked in a long time.  And what happened?  My husband left me.  I remember being even more devastated because of that.

Later I went to a diet doctor.   I was probably about 20 pounds overweight when I went in seeking diet pills to get even skinnier.  In my mind, I connected skinny with desirable.  The doctor sat me down and I remember to this day what he said.  He said , repeat after me:  I could have the body of Elle McPherson ( I think she was the swimsuit cover that year), I could cook like Julia Childs, I could be as good a multi-tasker as Martha Stewart, I could have the money of Christina Onassis, I could be as talented as Celine Deon…..but he still would have left me.  I remember saying “how did you know?, because my marital status had not been brought up at all”.  He said, honey, I see it everyday.   Attractive women like you that think they need to lose one more pound or get one shade tanner, or have a breast augmentation or a butt lift…….and then he won’t ever want anyone else.  My point is its not you!  Its them with the problem.  And if you are doing this for you, then I’m here to help. But if you are doing it for someone else’s benefit then you can see yourself out.

I left that day without diet pills.  What he said really hit home.  I thought I looked pretty good at the time.  But someone I loved had left me and I equated that with how I looked, not the other underlying problems with the relationship.  He hadn’t left me for a Barbie doll after all.

I don’t really know where I am going with this except to say that I know some pretty amazing single women that are amazingly still single because  some one hasn’t looked beyond the exterior imperfections and saw the heart behind it.  And I know some pretty amazing men that are amazingly single still because they don’t make enough money to buy diamonds and cars and boats and vacations; or drive a new car and Country Club memberships.  What a loss all around.

A song we sang last Sunday at Church makes the point though I’m sure it wasn’t meant to be a “dating song” but instead a worship song.  Open the eyes of my heart Lord, open the eyes of my heart, I want to see you……….

In  a perfect world that is what we’d see with….our heart.