A tribute to Mama

In spite of the fact that I wasn't able to see either of my sons on Mother's Day, the love I have for them and that I know they have for me is felt every day ofthe year, not just the one that is celebrated world wide every May.  Both called to wish me Happy Mothers Day and though miles may seperate us (and work schedule for Andy) I know I am loved beyond words by my sons.  Sometimes, I wonder how I came to be such a good mother (if I do say so myself) and I think that its because my role model, my mom was such an oustanding mother and grandmother when she was here on earth.

Today I woke up in a room that my dear friend Deronda decorated in the house she shares with my dad.  The room is decorated with animal prints and touches that my mom would have loved and every time I walk into the room I feel the love of both my mom and her friend Deronda with whom I share so many precious memories. 

It just happened that today, on Mother's Day my dad wanted to go out to the house he shared with mom and make sure it was in good shape to show at the open house planned for later this month.  Joe had never seen the house in which so many precious memories of mine happened.  So it was really a good feeling to take him on a guided tour of the house my mom loved so much.  Admittedly, I was a little emotional and fighting back the tears as we entered.  We had started at the Sonshine Gospel Barn and I had just relived a lot of good memories inside the barn.  Though  now it is empty, except for a few ebay things my brother in law stores there, the memories of my mom cover every inch of the barn.  If I closed my eyes, I could picture where the stage was and hear her singing "I'm drinking from my saucer cause my cup has overflowed.  I remember standing on that stage myself singing God Has Another Plan during a particularly difficult time in my divorce many years ago.  I remember her coming on stage and taking the mike from my hand when the sadness overwhelmed me and I broke into tears singing.  I remember young Chris and Andy on that stage singing.  I remember little Eric, my nephew on the stage sitting on a stool as my mom sang a song about guiding  little boys lives.  I remember my dad sitting on a bar stool on stage looking kinda embarrassed as my mom serenaded him on their 50th anniversary.  And over by the door, etched in concrete, the words Betty J. LaFave May 17, 1998.  She had her gospel barn, a lifelong dream for 6 years before cancer took her from us. Those 6 years were some of the happiest of her life.  She was 63 when her dream came true.  Proof that its never to late to pursue you hearts desire. 

In the house there were memories coming at me faster than  I could tell them to Joe. The steep stairs where I could almost see little Chris at 3 coming down the stairs saying, I'm holding the wail, mama.  The room where we gathered each Christmas eve, her favorite day of the year.  I picture the older grandkids as little children doing Christmas skits every year.  I remember one year running outside and pulling a branch of the tree to complete Andy's reindeer costume.  The family sing-a longs, the many many games we played and in the midst of the wrapping paper and the chaos of so many people gathered in one room I could almost hear my mom's laughter and joy. 

In the kitchen the spot where there was always a pot of red beans cooking if she knew I was coming.  The breakfast nook where I remembered her coloring Easter eggs with my kids.  The bedroom upstairs where she let the kids jump on the bed to the tune of Rocky Top, Tennessee until they were too tired to jump anymore.  The back porch where I always had coffee with her before anyone else woke up. We sat there many mornings and watched the cows meander around in the pasture behind.  Those talks and those memories are private and precious even now. 

I had to laugh when my dad pointed out to Joe where the swimming pool had been until he tired of cleaning it and hauled in dirt with a back hoe when my mom was out of town and covered it up. The fence is not thre any longer that surrounded the pool at that time.  The fence my dad sat on fire with a tiki torch right before her luau party one year.  When it blew out, he squirted it with lighter fluid and we watched as the fence began to burn and my dad ran for the hose. 

I did pretty good on my trek thru the house, on my walk down memory lane.  The bedroom where she died was the only room where I could not find a memory that made me smile.  Instead what popped into my mind was my mom's courageous last days. 

As we walked into the kitchen after I had given the tour, my dad said, look what I found.  In a house with not a stick of furniture, totally free of any knick knacks or gadgets, there on the counter was a ceramic swan.  It was then I felt a peace because I know without a shadow of a doubt that my mom is in heaven looking down at her family.  As you know my last name is now Swanson...Joe and I have been talking about our future plans to have an RV park and the sign I had drawn on paper was a Swan.  I stopped looking for "signs" a long time ago.  But this "swan" made me feel a peace that I cannot find the words to express.

The gravesight was our next stop.  As Connie and Eric and Anna and Joe and dad and Deronda and I stood and looked at the marker, the dates indicating a life cut short by cancer at 69 I felt compelled to say Mama, we are doing fine.Look at us, your family.  We are here together, still loving each other without you here to hold us together...you would be proud. 

You were a mother extraordinare.  You made the world a better place simply by being in it.  You are so loved, so missed and so much a part of our lives still, almost 8 years later.  Gone but not forgotten.  What a wonderful day that will be when I see you again in heaven and see your smile. 

Mother's day will never be the same without you but it will always be a day of celebration, of memories, and of tears of sadness and joy when I think of you. 

You are my hero.  I love you. LeeAnn