Decisions, decisions

I heard a podcast once where Joel Osteen was talking about looking ahead with anticipation for what God has planned next in your life.  In this podcast, he talked about how a car has a great big windshield and a little bitty rear view mirror and that analogy was like life.  You can't get where you are going if you are looking into that tiny mirror.  You can use it to see where you've been but facing life means you are full speed ahead, looking through the windshield and embracing what's to come.

I was somewhat of an overprotective mom when my boys were young.  Andy will tell you that he was in 5th grade before he could ride his bike in the street instead of just the driveway.  LOL  Thats an exagerration but not by much.  I felt like if I could hold on tightly to them, nothing bad would happen to them.  Looking back, I wish that I had been less fearful of something happening and let them live their lives to the fullest.  I wish I had trusted God more that he had a hand on them and was protecting them and I wish that I had understood that life is not always under your control.  I did evolve somewhat over the years and by the time they were teenagers, they were doing flips and half pipes and all sorts of scary dangerous moves on roller blades and I managed not to panic everytime they put on their skates.  It wasn't that I wasn't still worried about something happening to them.  Rather it was the divorce happening to me, something totally out of my control, that taught me that you can do everything right, you can plan your whole life out and have all the bases covered, but you can't control other people, only yourself. . 

When Chris and Andy were in about 2 and 4 th grade they begged to ride their bikes to school.  Since we were in a good neighborhood, not far from the elementary school and there was a crosswalk over the busy highway it seemed reasonably safe that I let them do so. Before I could turn them loose though to go it alone, I insisted on riding my bike with them through the neighborhood to the crosswalk to make sure they knew the way and that they knew what to do if they encountered any issues.  So one morning we set out to ride our bikes to school.  I'm sure they were both pretty worried that someone would see their mother riding with them and so both kept a distance behind me as we rode forcing me to turn and shout out instructions to them periodically...words of wisdom like "if a dog starts chasing you pedal harder".  As we rode along various cars were backing out of their driveways headed to work and such and I yelled back to them that this was exactly what I was talking about. That they had to keep aware at all times of what was going on because you never knew if a driver backing out would see you, so you had to see them and anticipate the move.  I will never forget as we rode along, 2 boys a good 100 ft behind me pretending they had no idea who the looney lady on the bike ahead of them shouting back at them was, when as I yelled out advise about paying attention and staying aware I,  BOOM, ran into the back of a parked car and fell off my bike.  To their credit, both boys rushed to help me and I remember Andy, once I was determined to be ok saying very seriously, Mom, you have to be aware.  Keep your eyes on the road."

Hindsight may be 20/20 but unless you are looking ahead you may crash into something while you are examining the past.

As I look back on my life, there are so many times that I can see clearly now where the choice I made was not necessarily the right one.  But there are many, many other times when I was not confident I was making the right decision and it turned out I was.  Sometimes, the choice is clear cut but most of the time its not.  I have been known to make a pro and con list several times in my life.  The thing is, even if the cons far outweigh the pros sometimes I make the wrong choice anyway. And even though I have not chosen the right path, somehow I always end up on my feet, able to make lemonade from lemons, pull out a lesson or two even when the decision led to pain, or detoured me for a while.

Today, I sit at a crossroads having been thrust into uncertainty by the loss of a job that I loved and never intended to leave.  Sometimes, decisions are made for us and at that time I rely on my faith, firmly believing that things happen sometimes for a reason and that through out the experience God is there, carrying me through the uncertainty, healing the hurt and planning out a whole new path for me.  Mighty hands are guiding me,,,,

Years ago at my mom's Gospel barn my cousin Peggy's daughter Kati came from South Dakota and performed at the barn. I got one of her cd's that night.  I was in the  midst of the divorce and sometimes the only thing that kept me from finding a way to get out from under the blanket of pain was my sons.  One night I woke up in the middle of the night, scared and alone, not wanting to feel or face anymore hurt and pain from knowing that my marriage was over and the man I loved wasn't coming back.  I had an home office of my own at that time, a place decorated in yellow with sunflowers and smiley faces and everything I loved.  It was my sanctuary, where I went to write and reflect and to pray.  I went to that room, tiptoeing quietly past the boys' rooms so I didn't wake them.
The tears were coming in buckets and I have never felt so alone in my entire life.  I sat on the floor, head in hands, trying to stifle the racking sobs so my kids wouldn't hear, trying to pray but unable to think to do so when the most amazing thing happened.  The boom box on the desk that contained Katis CD began to play.  I don't know how it turned on. I'm sure there was a logical explanation. Maybe I hit the power cord, maybe my elbow hit the desk and jarred the cd from being stuck.  All I remember is the song that was playing.  Kati's sweet voice singing

Somebody's praying, I can feel it
Somebody's praying for me
Mighty hands are guiding me
to protect me from what I can't see
Somebody's praying for me
Somebody's watching
I can feel it
Somebody's watching over me

And thats how I feel even now, with the future uncertain.  I know my friends and family are praying for me and I know God's mighty hand is upon me to guide me.  In the next few days to come, I have a lot of decisions to make.  I have to re-group and figure out how to manage with the loss of my job and the income and insurance that came with that.  I have to decide if I can meet my obligations or if I need to file for bankruptcy.  So many decisions and so many variables.  If I get a job, then I can go with plan a.  If I don't find a job right away but the house sells, then I can go with plan b.  If neither happen then I have to go with plan c.   And what if I get a job but it takes weeks.  If I go with plan c and then plan a happens what then.  Plan B is the best case scenario. Lord, I need this home that we have sunk every penny into fixing up so it will sell, to sell.  If I get a job but I don't make enough to fulfill my obligations but make too much money to go with plan c, then what.  So many decisions weighing me down.  Joe is a rock.  He's been through this before.  He was days away from being under a bridge in downtown Tulsa with a backpack and a sleeping bag, had a job not come through for him at the last minute years ago when he was laid off, and his marriage failed, and his friends abandoned him in his turmoil .  He is confident and steady.  When he says, its gonna work out he beleives it, I beleive it, but my what if's keep racing through my mind, keeping me awake.

Sometimes its harder to Let Go and Let God than you think.  Yet, that is ultimately the best answer to life's trials.  Just like not being able to control whether or not the boys would fall off their bikes or get hit by a car when they were little, I recognize that I have no control over the future.  I have no control over the past.  Its done, the mistakes made, the triumphs lived and life goes on.  All I have is the present. I can make a plan knowing full well that it may change tomorrow with one phone call.
I can proceed, full speed ahead, trusting that God is watching over me and Joe and already knows the plan.  All I have to do, is trust and obey. 

Look forward not back.  Oh, my windshield may need to be cleaned off at times so I can see clearly again, windex off the doubt that keeps me from seeing clearly, but ultimately, going forward is the only way I can reach the next destination.  

I loved that game show, Let's Make a Deal.  I always felt bad though for the people who gave up their good thing for a chance at something better and ended up with a goat.  But then, I would think, well they still have more than they came with and they did get to experience that momentary high of winning something, quickly followed by a decision that had to be made in 30 seconds that could change their lives...A NEW CAR..or a Goat.  I always thought I'd rather be the person in the audience that didn't get picked because the status quo, not having to make a decision was the easiest route.  Maybe thats what kept me at my job so long, fear of change, fear of the unknown.  Not wanting to risk to gain because I might lose.  Probalby why I don't like casinos. I'd rather have my $20 and not risk losing it than to spend my $20 and hope to gain from it.

Never have liked making decisions come to think of it.  Much easier to go with the decision someone else makes and make the most of it.  When the boys were little, we would write all our ideas of what to do for the day down on pieces of paper and put them in a jar.  And then we would draw out of the jar.  That way our decision was made for us.  We might be playing Monopoly after we drew out of the jar, or we might be baking cookies.  Even after they were teenagers we would do this when it came down to where to eat and no one could decide.  Whatever we drew, Sonic or Red Lobster was what we did.  Sometimes leaving the decision making to chance was the best way to do it. No one felt like their idea or choice got picked over the other's.  It was a "way of life" for us to do this with our decisions. 

Well one notable exception.  When Chris got a Beagle puppy for his 4th birthday and riding home we were all thinking up names for it.  Andy said, I know lets write all the names down and we will put them on the floor and which ever one the beagle puppy touches first will be his name.  Sounded like a great  idea until Chris, who owned the puppy AND was the birthday boy pulled rank and made a decision that was his alone to make.  His name is Beaglie, he said.  No questions, no drawing pieces of paper, no input from anyone else. It was his dog, his decision.

Decisivness.  hmmmm A whole new concept.  Maybe I'll give it a whirl tomorrow when I sit down with my pros and my cons and try to figure out my next step.  I doubt Joe would go with the writing the choices on paper plan. LOL

God grant me the wisdom I need to make the decisions I must make.