Ready, set, pull……arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That sucking sound you heard was my head coming out of the sand. It was buried in there pretty deep I must say.
Today’s dr. appt was the first time in 2 years of going to my endocrinologist that I felt like I had done something really bad and disappointed someone very important to me. My doctor is really good and I recommend her a lot to people who have diabetes. I like her because she is always encouraging, always looks at my numbers and says “well this is better, good job, or wow, you lost 4 pounds, good job. Or “we are gonna beat this thing! We can do it”. Today, was an exception.
“Your numbers are horrible” she said as she came through the door. “what is going on? Are you trying to kill yourself?” At which point I burst into tears. She handed me a tissue. I told her I wasn’t sure what was going on. That most days my blood sugar is pretty ok when I check it. That there have been some days that in spite of what I do it is higher than it should be. And that sometimes for no reason at all it bottoms out and makes me feel like I have the flu.
Then she asked about “changes, stressors in my life”. Well lets see I said. I got married (good stress) I lost my job (bad stress), I sold my house after 3 years (good stress) , I moved to Tulsa (good stress since that was something I wanted to do) into an RV (good stress because I love it) but bad stress because I had to give up so many of the things I loved including my dog Shelby. I think that if you assigned points the good stress would outweigh the bad but the fact of the matter is Stress is stress no matter how you slice it.
And while I am excited and looking forward to what’s ahead, some days it’s a little overwhelming. And to be honest there are some pretty major losses in the mix. My co-workers were a family to me and in spite of promises to stay in touch, I know the reality is that other than facebook chats, I probably won’t see most of them again. I’m still mad about how the lay off was handled. What a jerk the supervisor was when he gave me my “pink slip” not letting me say goodbye. The words “she’s younger” to add insult to injury when telling me why I lost out to a co-worker. My Church was a big big part of my life and though I could drive the 2 hours round trip twice a week to practice and worship and still be a part of choir and handbells and the congregation it’s not really very practical. And I think the biggest Loss of all is “structure” Yes, you heard that come from my mouth ducks in row people who drive me insane. The fact is given hours of the day that I can do whatever I want to do, I seem to be bent on choosing nothing. While I could be writing, walking, etc. etc. my tendency is to isolate myself and have mini pity parties.
I seem to be my best when loaded up with “things to do”. When I was working, every hour that I was not at work was like a gift. And I used those gifts wisely. I spent the time I had very wisely. Walking, writing, hanging out with Joe. Instead of enjoying all these empty hours, I am stressing out over having all these empty hours if that makes sense.
My doctor said that I am one of those rare people that should not stay unemployed even if I could financially. She recognizes that I need to work, need to use my gifts and talents, need to be around people in order to be my best. So when someone says to me “why would you want to get a job when you can collect unemployment for weeks on weeks “ and makes me think that there is something wrong with me to not think that is utopia, I need to ignore them. For some that might be awesome. For me, it’s not.
I came home today, discouraged and feeling pretty overwhelmed about the future in regard to my health. I have a lot of things I want to do before I go to heaven and see my mom again. I don’t want to waste this life I have been given. And so, today marks a renewal of sorts for me. I have the most supportive “coach” ever. Joe would do pretty much anything to help me and wants me around for our 25th wedding anniversary. So we came up with a plan. A healthy eating, exercise, and get back into life plan.
I know I can do it. I did it last year. I remember how good it felt to walk every day even though it was only 30 minutes a day most of the time. I remember how good it felt to have natural energy that came from not eating junk food and sugar. I remember how awesome it felt to get on the scales and see the numbers going down. And I remember thinking, I will never ever ever let myself go back to the old me. The one that didn’t exercise, the one that compromised and ate things that I knew I shouldn’t eat “just this once”, the one that forgot to take my medications, or went for days without refilling them when they ran out because it was too much trouble to take time and go get them refilled. The one that ignored taking my blood sugar 4 times a day as I was told to do because I thought I could “tell just by how I felt” what it was and adjust accordingly. The one that didn’t take time to write every day (my biggest stress relief) or seek out opportunities to make people laugh, or schedule time with friends for lunch or try something new whenever I could.
When I was doing those things, taking care of ME, is when I was my happiest and my healthiest and when I met Joe and he fell in love with that person. That happy, healthy, cheerful, optimistic, woman that felt she could conquer the world. She’s still in there. Just beaten down a little by some major life changes that have left her feeling a little confused and suffering from a loss of identity of sorts.
Today as I sat waiting for the nurse to bring me some medications samples the Mary Englebrecht plaque on the Drs wall staring me in the face was a reminder of sorts that there is no one to blame but ourselves for the choices we make, good or bad. It would be easy to say as Flip Wilson used to “the devil made me do it”, lol but I don’t think that is the case. The placque said “ There is a choice you have to make, In everything you do. And you must always keep in mind, the choice you make, makes you.
Great words of wisdom. The photo showed a little girl with broccoli on one side and a cupcake on the other. Today I choose Broccoli!
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