I got tha blues.

　

　

Ok, I admit it! I officially have the January blues. I seem to get down and out every year about this time. My theory is that after the hustle and bustle of Thanksgiving and Christmas and all the family gatherings and shopping and planning and decorating that goes into that, that life just gets a little too slow paced after its over with and I’m still stuck in Type A personality, love the chaos, give me more and more to do and I’m happy frame of mind that is me.

The last 6 months have been a good learning experience for me and while I am sure that there are many of my friends and family that think I am crazy when I say I “hate not working” it’s the truth. It has been said that people either draw their energy by being around people or that being around people saps their energy. I am definetly in the former category which is why it is so difficult for me to just “relax and enjoy the down time”.

When I made the silly video several months ago, The If I Only Had a Job song, I was pretty serious. I have smelled all the flowers I need to for a while The thing is, even in my former “life” where I was working and living my life, I managed to find time to have that downtime and found I enjoyed it a whole lot more when it was something I didn’t have oodles and oodles of. I have never been one to enjoy just doing nothing. I have always, from the time I was a little girl, found joy and peace in being busy and being around people.

I have fallen into a sort of depression, one in which I know what I want to do and I have the ability to do anything I want to do, but I am totally unmotivated to do things that I could and should be doing.


After a few visits to various Churches in Tulsa, I found myself in a strange “body” that I don’t recognize. I found that I have withdrawn into some weird world of “its easier to just do nothing than do anything” mode when it comes to seeking out a new Church, new friends, new interests. The time I spend with Joe is one thing that truly uplifts me and so I am always looking forward to his “two days off” so we can do things and just hang out. The other 5 days his schedule is such that for most of the day and evening I am staring at the walls, wondering where this adventuresome, get out and make things happen person I used to be has gone.

For example, the old me, the single me, was pretty fearless. I went to movies by myself, I went to plays by myself and I went out to eat by myself. I didn’t care if people looked at me and wondered why I was alone. I didn’t care. I have taken trips by myself many times, not caring that I was by myself, and usually ending up finding it very enjoyable as I was seated with total strangers at events. Now the thought of walking into a zumba class and not knowing anyone, knowing that I will meet new people doesn’t entice me, it overwhelms me.


I wonder how much of it is because my self esteem is at an all time low. While one part of my life, my marriage is fantastic and wonderful and I find myself several times a day saying “thank you God, for Joe as I look to the sky, the rest of my life is pretty foreign to me.

It’s not as easy to start over in a new place as I thought it would be. I thought Church shopping would be easier but I found that it wasn’t so much the “Church” that I loved, but the people that made up that Church that I loved. I’m jealous that my ex-husband is at that Church now, even though at the same time I am happy that he is happy and back playing music like he used to. I’m jealous of the fact that all my former co-workers have gone on to other jobs and all I have to show for my effort is a stack of rejection emails and a feeling of hopelessness when it comes to being employed again. I thought I’d love Improv but I didn’t like it at all. I do like the walking path and I love the convenience of the City life and I love the RV lifestyle, even when people make fun of me for it. I love the dog park and watching all the dogs and I love getting out and riding my bike. What’s missing is interaction with humans. Which is up to me to fix.

I need to find my balance again. My spiritual needs are not being met by not going to Church. That has always been important to me and a priority. So its time to get back to the search. Joe told me this morning that he would “search “ with me, that together we could go and find a place that felt right for “us”. I like that idea so much better than the original plan which was “you find a Church where you want to be and I’ll come with you”. I need to be taking better care of my health. My “whats the use, I’ll never reach my goal” attitude of late has got to change. I need to embrace the long process it will take to get the weight off, to make exercise a daily routine and mostly to accept the fact once and for all that I have a disease called diabetes that is going to always dictate parts of my lifestyle. Its time to explore the theater opportunities in Tulsa, the comedic opportunities of which there are many. I just haven’t taken the time or had the inclination to jump in there and risk failure.


And maybe while I’m sending out resumes and getting no response, or NO response, I should be investigating other “think outside the box” opportunities. I don’t feel inclined to go back to school and don’t really think that would help to get a job at my age but maybe taking a class would be a fun thing to do just to be doing. My unemployment has been extended (thank you God) and so maybe while I’m searching and being “paid” to search I should do some volunteering for a while. I’m sure there are any number of places in Tulsa that could use some help.

The first step really, to get out of this funk I find myself in, is to take the first step. I’ve heard it said and I know its true that when you get too focused on yourself, its time to focus on someone or something else.

It’s time to kick myself in the butt (though I’m not that flexible at the moment…maybe after a few zumba classes…lol) and get out and get re-engaged in this thing called Life. …after my nap. .