Finding a Purpose

Joe and I watched the movie Hugo the other night and it was a pretty good movie.  One of the parts that stood out for me was when he is explaining to his friend about why he loves machines.  He tells her that its because every part of a machine is necessary, there are no extra parts.  Each part has a purpose and without it the machine doesn’t work.  And he compares it to humans expressing that this is the reason that he knows he has a purpose, the simple fact that he is alive in the world means that he has a reason to be so.

I’ve been thinking a lot about purpose lately.  Even remarked to Joe the other day that my current “depression” is because I am having a difficult time finding my purpose nowadays.  When I was working I had a purpose.  My purpose was to make sure the Hospice office ran smoothly.  That meant that  I was responsible for making sure the bills got submitted on time so that we had a place to operate from, that the payroll got tallied and submitted on time so that employee checks arrived when they were supposed to.  And I felt like my work had a higher purpose. As my boss Lynelle used to say “us non-clinical” people were there to take care of the people who took care of the people.  I loved that.  It was a job that went deeper than a paycheck for me.  Indirectly, I was a part of the end of life for someone and that made what I did count for more than just making a living. I had the utmost respect for my co-workers who were directly in the lives of these people and I used my gifts and talent for comedic relief to bring a smile to their face when they had just returned from a difficult situation.

When the boys were little, my purpose and my starring role in life was to be the best mother I could be.  I felt a great sense of purpose to mold these 2 little boys’ hearts and souls into caring and responsible adults.  When they went off to college and I was forced to let them “fly” on their own, I knew I had done the best job I could have done and the rest was up to them.  I will always be their mother, yet my starring role became more of a support role and my purpose changed.

Throughout life all the roles that I have played, from mom to wife to sister to daughter to boss to co-worker to  friend have all had a purpose.  All of these roles I have embraced wholeheartedly, learning and growing from each experience and continually striving to be the best “whatever” I could be.

Lately, instead of my “what is the purpose of and how can I accomplish this to the best of my ability” stance I have fallen into an entirely different frame of mind and one that I don’t like at all.  My new thing seems to be asking myself “whats the point”. Instead of awakening  each day with the outlook of “what am I going to do today and how can I use it to become a better human being” my awakening thought is “whats the point of getting up…I have no where to go, I have nothing important that needs to be done. Oh sure, I am in a support role to Joe as his wife and I embrace and love the time we have together each day before he’s off to work.  Laundry, preparing meals, paying bills, etc have a value and serve a purpose.   In the pure sense of the word purpose, they apply.  “an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal”.  Clean clothes, food and satisfying creditors doesn’t really rock my world.  Necessary but not life changing.

I read this the other day in an article by Gloria Mitchell.  is imperative that you work out what your purpose is so that you don't scurry through your days, months and your life just trying to survive. If you don't have an altruistic purpose for your life, you'll be living from need to need to need. The result? You feel a void, an emptiness, a restlessness which you will not be able to explain
That’s where I’m at the last couple of weeks.  Feeling a void, an emptiness and a restlessness that is clouding my outlook, making me feel  a little valueless in the higher scheme of things.

Years ago, I hosted a study group at my home.  The Church I was attending at the time was enmass studying the Purpose Driven Life series by Rick Warren.  I don’t remember a lot about the Bible study per se.  I do remember though feeling a great sense of purpose in being a facilitator…providing the snacks, the place to meet, the prompts that would get the discussion going.   I found the book and the study guide the other day.  My study guide was empty. Hostessing was my sole purpose during that time.  Now I have the time, and the desire to dig a little deeper into that book/study and nothing to distract me.

For many years I subcribed to the generality that “everything happens for a reason” which in effect is the same of “there is a purpose for everything that happens to us”.  Sometimes, the reason is clear.  Other times, looking back I can see why things happened the way they did, sometimes, I can find the silver lining in a bad situation, and sometimes, I just plain don’t understand and have put it on my “ask God when I get to heaven” list, which thankfully is a pretty short list.

The daily frustrations and the daily triumphs become magnified when you have nothing to keep you occupied.  Too much time on my hands is a problem for me. Always has been. I like to be busy.  I like to be challenged…without the busyness  and challenges I feel lost.

I am here for a reason.  I may not fully understand at the moment what that reason is.  Instead of living a purpose driven life, I am more in a purpose seeking mode.  Maybe that’s where I need to be.  Trying to discover what  the rest of my life should be about.

I need to take the “what’s the point” frame of mind and kick it to the curb. The reality is I have been given a gift.  The gift of choice.  I can choose at this point what the rest of my life will be about.  Instead of thinking, “they don’t want me, I’m too old, I’m not good enough, what did I do wrong, what’s wrong with my resume  I need to say “I am valuable, I have a wealth of experience, I am great at what I did, God’s timing is perfect.  I have yet to discover what the next chapter of my life will be.  One thing is clear.  It’s time to take”me” off the shelf of self doubt and start writing!