I know from experience that having an attitude of gratitude is something that can be lifechanging. When you are consciously examining your life and seeing what blessings are in it, it tends to bring you out of the doldrums. Difficult to have a pity party when you look around and see what all you have in your life to be thankful for.
Still, there are those days where I wake up blue and stay that way most of the day. I was going through some boxes of pictures recently and there is nothing like a trip down memory lane to bring out some emotions, both good and bad. One of the photos that made me sad was a family photo taken back in 1999 before the divorce. I usually have a little bit of sadness mixed in with the overwhelming joy every time Chris and Juliet come up to visit. Every time they visit and have to split their time between me and their dad I can’t help re-living the past a little bit and wishing that things had been different. Not that I am at all sorry for what I have today. Joe is the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time and I wouldn’t change my life as it is. I jus t always think back to 11 or 12 years ago and the stress of the divorce and how much I didn’t want it and how little control you have when the other person does. And then life changes radically, because of the ripple effect. Suddenly your in laws are not your in laws anymore and your nieces and nephews become someone else’s nieces and nephews as your ex remarries and it all gets jumbled up into one big ball of heartache that you have to work your way though and out of and sometimes when you think you have, a little sliver of the broken heart that you thought had healed rises up and stabs you all over again.
For the most part, my ex and I have a decent relationship. We co-parented our boys through the rest of their teenage years and into adulthood and they grew up and into amazingly well balanced and awesome young men. For that I am grateful. Probably on the grateful scale that tops it. 1. I am grateful that the tragedy of divorce didn’t ruin my children’s lives. Oh, I am sure they have scars. I am sure that the memories are painful of the shameful way both of us acted through the early days of the split. I have horrific memories of driveway screamfests and one football game when my son asked us both to just go home because we were embarrassing him with our arguments.
The fact is that someday we will have mutual grandkids and those grandkids should never have to make the distinction between biological grandparent or not. I expect that those children will love Kristen and Joe as much as they do Mike and me. And that’s a good thing. Because they will have additional people in their life because of the divorce that love them and will have influence in their lives. Divorce may end the marriage but it doesn’t end the relationships built thru that marriage. They have to change. There is no alternative. And I suppose that every time I hear of one of my former niece or nephews ‘ achievements or a holiday gathering I will always feel a little left out. A litte bruised by the fact that someone else is in my place now and though I have no ill will, well there is a certain amount of envy involved. I had some pretty terrific in laws that I came to love and care for deeply over the 18 years of my marriage. Its not easy to forget that. That being said, I now have new in-laws and a new people in my life to get to know and love and cherish.
Recently, I was having dinner with my sister and brother in law and her kids and my dad and Deronda. Joe wasn’t with us because I was visiting for the weekend without him because he had to work. Someone mentioned a relative that was recently separated and so that persons spouse wouldn’t be around anymore. . My nephew wanted to know what separated was and so we explained that it was possible that the couple would be divorcing and that only one of them would continue to be in their lives. At this point my niece, who had listened quietly , in a panicked voice looked at me and said “where’s Joe?” I laughed and told her not to worry , that he was at work and that we weren’t getting a divorce and that he would be her Uncle for a long, long time, forever. As relief spread across her 9 year old face I realized how we take for granted as adults that our choices and our decisions are ours to make without a thought to how others are affected. In a world where relationships are easily discarded , its difficult even as adults to truly let down the walls for those who are new in our lives. My sister and I counted those who had come and gone in just our family’s “history” and it was kinda surprising. If you counted long term relationships that broke up in with the divorces we had a total of 9 adults that had come and gone. If you took into account the families of the divorces, the in laws that were no more that was a whole lot of loss! Not to mention the friends that are caught and lost in the crossfire.
Sometimes I guess the presence of the emotion of envy or jealousy is a good thing because it causes us to take a look at what it is based on. For my own part, I was forced to reckon with some latent unforgiveness that was causing me to feel “threatened”. And sometimes its good to get those emotions out, to work through them and resolve them. My sadness prompted a great discussion between Joe and I about loss. And in comparison, I have a lot to be grateful for. For Joe, who was dumped off at a Children’s home by his dad when he was 4 because his mother was ill and his dad had another agenda in mind than raising his children, the word loss for him goes a whole lot deeper than it does for me. I grew up with my mom and dad and my siblings. Kinda goes back to that “someone always had it worse” thing.
There will be days when something will trigger a memory and maybe even a twinge of anger at something far in the past. Maybe a few tears of sorrow even for what could have been. And then a moment later tears of gratitude for the blessing of what is now. I found myself separating the photos into piles. One pile had pictures of Chris, one pile had pictures of Andy, one pile had pictures of both, one pile had pictures of our family before the divorce because as hard as it is for me to look at those, those pictures will mean a great deal to our sons when they are passed along some day. Then there was a pile of my original family-pre adulthood, and a pile of old family photos taken before I was born, and a pile of life post divorce. I even had a pile of “Who in the heck are those people” where the faces were somewhat familiar but not quite identifiable. Somehow, separating the photos into different piles and then putting them in different photo boxes seemed logical. Now when I decide to pull out a box and look through it, I can match the box to my frame of mind. Am I wanting to reminisce about when the boys were young, or when I was a kid, or am I wanting to look at the box of the last 10 years and celebrate the new blessings that I have come to know…like Joe and my younger nieces and nephews and great nieces and nephews and Misty and Deronda.
Amidst the photos there were cards and letters long forgotten. Postcards from Mike when he was traveling around the world..I put those aside for Chris and Andy. Valentines and Birthday cards from the boys through the years. A letter from my mom telling about my dad’s salvation and newfound sobriety. A letter from my sister in law Shelly telling me how grateful she was that I was caring for Jenna while she worked. And just like the photos, those letters took me back and through some good memories and some hard losses that work together to form the “history of LeeAnn”. Some people have been in my life for a long long time, others for only a season, others just recently and some have come back after a long long break in communication, like some of my high school classmates. All cherished, all part of my life for a reason I’m sure, though sometimes I wonder.
Which leads me back to that Attitude of Gratitude. Thank you God, for cherished memories and for each and every person who has crossed my path. I learned from each of them something about myself. I am grateful. And looking forward to a Grandkid photo box someday! LOL
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