I have been thinking a lot about pride the last few weeks , particularly in the sense of how it relates to the job search. Is it prideful of me to feel as if my education and my work experience should be worth something? Is it prideful of me to feel that my value in the work force is something above the minimum wage and starting at the bottom of the job rung again?
When a friend of mine’s husband was laid off last year from a job that paid him close to $30 an hour and he was unable to find anything comparable, it was a huge burden on her financially. She was left to shoulder the entire load (much like Joe is doing now) of the family budget and try to stretch her salary (which in my opinion was way under what she should have been earning had it been based on ability and workload) to keep them afloat while he looked for another job.
Day after day he searched without any luck. He, like me was in the “older worker” category which makes it much more difficult to find work in my opinion. One day he was offered a job that was more suited to a teenager after work type job. Because the owner knew him and his situation, he was willing to pay him slightly more than minimum wage. He turned it down and I remember thinking that he should have taken it because the situation they were in was pretty dire and to the point of any money would help. I specifically remember thinking that his Pride was getting in the way.
And now I understand fully what he was going through and I am experiencing the “pride getting in the way” type of feelings that I’m sure he felt. He held out and eventually found a job that allowed him to use the skills he had spent a lifetime accumulating and at a salary that was comparable to what he had earned before.
And so there in lies my dilemma. I was recently asked to interview for a job that would have been the equivalent of the situation he found himself in. Yes, I want more than anything to work. But at what cost? I found myself feeling resentful even that someone would dare think I might be interested in working for slightly more than minimum wage and at a position that I would normally be supervising, not doing. The job would require a commute as well which was the deciding factor that tipped the scale for me and caused me to politely say, I’m not interested.
But I did an awful lot of soul searching on this one. Am I too prideful in thinking that I deserve better? Or is it ok to believe that the sacrifices I made in going back to school and getting my degree after 26 years even though it was a physical, emotional and financial struggle should be worth something. Is it wrong to believe that my skills, garnered over 35 years of working full time are worth something? Is it prideful of me to think that I am more valuable in the work force than someone just starting out?
Luckily for me, I have Joe and because of the sale of my home, no debt. This means that even if I don’t work for a while, even if I hold out for a job that I can be “proud” of , we will be fine as long as we budget and cut out any extravagances. God could not have given me a better partner for my life. Joe has been there, done that. He understands my pain, my self doubt, my anger because he went through all of this himself. And in the end, it wasn’t about pride for him. It was about survival.
He understands what I am feeling. For him, the opportunity to use the skills and education he had acquired over his 30 plus years in the work f orce didn’t come and it became a matter of survival. He was forced to swallow his pride. Not that there is anything wrong with being a security officer. He is good at what he does. Not to mention he looks really good in that uniform (LOL). But the pay is low, the benefits non existant. He has no health insurance, no vacation, no 401 K, no pension plan, no life insurance with his job. All those things went by the wayside when his plant replaced the workers with robots and shipped a lot of jobs to China. The years he spent working to build the company, his loyalty and longevity to the plant counted for nothing when it was all said and done. He could rant and rave until the cows came home (gotta google where that expression came from) and it wasn’t going to bring back what he “DESERVED, BY GOLLY”.
I’ve ranted and raved, I have cursed the moron who had the power to make the decision that changed my life and did, I have told myself over and over that I didn’t deserve to be laid off. I did all the right things. I did an amazing job..just ask anyone that actually worked with or supervised. I have told myself over and over that my sacrifices and my triumphs in the course of my career should be worth a lot. I have told myself that my age doesn’t matter (though I know it does). With every resume that goes out I say a silent prayer that someone will recognize the value of the experience on that page.
And in the end I find myself still unemployed, still unwilling to accept that it was all in vain, still unable to accept that my “life’s work” which is closely related to my “self worth” is so unimportant at this point in my life.
Joe says I am my own worse enemy. That I can beat myself up better than Foreman or Ali beat their opponents. He is a rock of support and I am so blessed to have him in my life, cheering me on thru what has undoubtedly been one of the most difficult personal experiences I have ever faced. He understands my grief and my anger . He understand my self doubt and my hurt. He’s proud of me and loves me regardless of my job status. If only I could do the same.
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