Well it’s official. I am old. I think I have had every diagnostic test there is now after completing my cardiac stress test/ekg thing today. Colonoscopy…check, mammogram…check. I regularly have my female exams even though I’d rather have toothpicks shoved under my nails…and well the lab knows me by name I have to do bloodwork so often due to my diabetes. I don’t even have to carry a list of my medications with me anymore because I can recite the drug name, the dosage and the reason as easily as a kid recites their abc’s. I just start at the head and work my way down…antidepressant, thyroid, blood pressure, pancreas. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just stopped taking everything. I used to think those giant pill reminder boxes were only to be used for a gag gift. Now I have one as well as a single dose pill box I carry in my purse in case I forget to take my medications that morning. Then there is the glucose tabs on the keychain in case my blood sugar goes low, the insulin pen in my purse in case my sugar goes high. Add in my cpap machine for sleep apnea when I travel and well…I definitely feel pretty old. Amazingly though, I feel good most of the time, am rarely sick and consider myself healthier than a lot of people in my age group. I walk everyday, I monitor my diet pretty well. That being said, I am getting ready to leave for an “emergency” endocrinologist appt because seeing my latest A1C my primary doc sent over, she called me to have me come in to see “whats going on”.
I’m taking back up this time. I think when I go to these appointments and tell them that I eat pretty healthy and that I exercise regularly and that I am not stressed out they think I am lying to them. When my endo doctor gets on to me for my blood sugar numbers and I get defensive its because I am doing all that I am supposed to do and so my frustration gets the best of me. Do I need to lose weight? Absolutely. But I am determined to do it the old fashioned way. I don’t want a rubber band in my body, or to have my intestines cut or a balloon in my stomach, or baby placenta stuff shot into my system. I don’t’ need appetite supressents because overeating isn’t an issue. I really do eat normal portions and most often of the right thing. Can’t remember the last time I had a French fry, or a fast food burger for that matter. I drink about 100 ounces of water a day. I will admit that giving up the diet pop has made a difference in how I feel, not as sluggish, not as hungry and my skin is clearer since I’ve eliminated the stuff. I thought maybe that was the culprit.
Coach Joe is on my side. He has given up sweets entirely save for a bowl of sugar free lo carb ice cream now and then. I usually don’t even share in that with him but he buys that kind in case I crave ice cream since the regular stuff is too high in carbs and sugar for me. He is eating double fiber wheat bread (2 net carbs) even though it taste like a piece of cardboard. He is walking with me whenever time allows and he encourages me daily, telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. He is the best support system I could ask for.
I truly think heredity plays a bigger part in our health sometimes than what we may think. My mother struggled with her diabetes for years. She went to appointment after appointment where she would come home fuming because the doctor told her to lose weight, or exercise and she didn’t want to do either or those things. She was comfortable with her size and she had no interest in exercising. She wanted to “live life like she wanted to live it” and if that included fried potatoes and desserts and other non-diabetic food choices, she was ok with that. She took insulin to compensate for her choices and I used to think that had she taken the diabetes more seriously, she’d still be alive. However, that being said, I am doing the recommendations and my diabetes is not any better controlled than hers was.
So what’s the answer? I refuse to give up and let this disease beat me. I intend to keep eating healthy and exercising. I have a new incentive to be around for a long long time in the form of a grandbaby on the way. Also, I want to have a silver wedding anniversary some day which requires that I live to be at least 79. And there are a lot of places I still want to see and things I still want to do and so I intend to press on through the frustration and do the right things, even when the results don’t always reflect my efforts.
It would be easy to throw my hands in the air and say “to heck with it”. I could get this under control, be the perfect weight, have the perfect blood sugar readings and get hit by a bus. Or as my dad always says “when your times up, your times up”. True but that doesn’t mean I am going to try and hurry it along by doing dangerous activities or going for “death by chocolate”. LOL
Spiritually, emotionally, and mentally I have a pretty good balance in my life. It’s the physical that continues to trip me up and annoy the heck out of me some days. On the bright side, I stayed on that treadmill today and made it through to the point they wanted me to be at before they shut it down. While Joe was having biscuits and gravy and sausage and bacon and hash browns in the cafeteria I was feeling good about having had my oatmeal with no sugar or sugar substitute, a ½ of a banana and 32 ounces of water for breakfast.
I think I may join a diabetes support group soon. I think that the interaction with others who struggle with this might be a good thing for me. Maybe I will be encouraged or can be encouraging. One of my former blogs of several months ago had my diabetic rap song. In case you missed it, here it is. Gotta keep a sense of humor.
Actos , metformin, cinnamon and glucose
Take this and eat this and measure out one more dose
Insulin and needles and test strips and meters
Injections in your belly and water by the liter
No carbs and net carbs and good carbs and bad ones
How much is too much and aaargh this is no fun
Tired and confused and sometimes I could scream
Wish I would wake up and find that diabetes was a dream
A1C numbers and blood sugar readings
Daily a battle of what I should be eating
Sometimes I win, but more often defeat
Craving the carbs, wanting anything sweet
Atttude is everything and so I will press on
Until maybe a cure is found, Diabetes gone
What a “SWEET” victory that will be.
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