I was thinking last night about God’s timing and the times in my life where when I thought I would die of disappointment, or despair I was able to look back years later and see that in most cases, while it was difficult at the time to see the benefit of that experience, the silver lining was actually there.
I think for example the times in my life where a job ended. While working on my resume I realized that none of my last 4 jobs ended because I left them, rather they left me in some way, shape or form.
Twenty something years ago I was working for several marketing management companies from home. What a great thing that was because I was able to be at home with Chris and Andy and work full time. Granted, I was on the phone a lot of the time because my job involved getting people to go out and do merchandising projects. For example, one job involved going in and placing labels over the color code on boxes of hair color that had been mismarked. It involved finding people in every city there was a Walmart to go in and do this one hour project. If I remember correctly, my territory had 196 Walmarts at the time. So you can see how “on the phone a lot” really meant on the phone a lot. It wasn’t really a problem because of the nature of the job you were mostly hiring stay at home moms, or retirees to do the job for a little spare cash. So when I had to say “hold on a second, my son spilled koolaid” it was not a big deal. Whenever I had a very important call, like for instance a conference call with the client and the management of the company etc. to report the progress etc., I had a sign that I would post on my home office door that said “unless you are bleeding, do not interrupt me…and I will give you a dollar to be quiet while I’m on this call”. LOL I had a boss at the time that would allow me to schedule the trips I had to make out of town periodically around Mike’s travel schedule (as he was traveling a lot at the time) and the kid’s activities. I remember once she arranged for me to be able to leave a conference in Chicago early so that I could be home when Andy woke up on his birthday morning. She understood what it meant to me to be able to do the birthday pancakes. Once she pushed back a meeting I was to have with the Little Golden Books CEO in El Paso Texas so that I could fly out AFTER Chris’ play at school. I was truly, truly, blessed with those jobs and the flexibility. Alas, all good things must come to an end and as the client base grew, it became more and more important for the managers to be In the big market cities of which Muskogee was not one. Or even Oklahoma for that matter. And so I turned down the opportunity to relocate to Dallas or St. Louis and continue my job. This happened 2 or 3 times in a 10 year period that I was in this career. Each time I was really bummed out. When I look back now, I can see that each time this happened, there was a silver lining.
Fast forward to my job at Casko Properties where I did bookkeeping and property management for the District manager of an insurance company who had his finger in several pies. He had Subway stores, and rental houses and an apartment complex. This job was a thrive on chaos job due to the sheer variety and amount of work required and that suited me to a tee. When the owner announced unexpectedly to my co-worker and I that he planned to retire and that he was closing the office and would be taking over all his own”stuff” it was a devastating blow. For one, I was in my last semester of college. For 2 years I had been struggling along, working full time, going to class, raising two teenagers in order to finish my degree. Suddenly, without notice (as he made the announcement on a Monday and we were out of jobs by the following Monday) I was facing a loss of income, finding a new job that had to fit my class schedule and Chris had started his first semester at college which was a financial and emotional trial for me. When I look back though, I see God’s hand in the timing. About the same time I was laid off, my mom’s pancreatic cancer got worse. She had a heart attack on top of the cancer. She became gravely ill and for the first time in her journey I was forced to take my head out of the sand and face the fact that she was not going to get better. The next few months would be a time of great joy and my greatest sorrow when she passed away. Joy because in those 8-10 weeks between my job loss and her death, I was able to spend more time with her than I had ever been able to in my whole life. It was such a treasure to be there for her, to hear her stories of growing up, of raising me and my siblings, of meeting my dad, of losses in her own life and the deep sadness she was feeling about leaving us behind. Looking back, I thank God for that time. Had I been working, I wouldn’t have been able to do what I did then. Sure it took some extra help to pull off the financial end of being unemployed for several months. I took out an equity loan and got through those months. My mom died and I graduated.
When it came time to look for work, my heart was in a million pieces. I had completed a degree in Marketing and was in such a “funk” from my mom’s death that the thought of ‘marketing” anything, of having to smile and be outgoing and be around people made me physically ill. I was a mess. Pure and simple. I thought that the divorce had toughened me up, that I could handle anything after that. Turns out that I could. I just didn’t realize it at the time. I remember going to the interview for the Hospice job that I would get and have for the next 7 years. I bawled like a baby when I was asked if I had ever lost anyone close to me. I think I even made my interviewer cry. When I got the job I thought “how on earth am I gonna manage dealing with death on a daily basis when I can barely get out of bed”. And I found the answer that I was uniquely qualified for the job in a way that others’ weren’t. When I had to talk to a family member of someone who had just been told to contact Hospice, I could say and mean “I know how you feel”. When I had to speak to groups to tell them how very important their volunteering for Hospice was to the families and the patients themselves, I knew from experience. It was a unique situation. The opportunity to earn a living doing something that was meaningful and worthwhile. I had the best boss in the world in my friend Lynelle. Compassionate, caring, professional. She and my co-workers were there because we wanted to be there. Who would choose to work in such a sad situation, death and dying, unless they were called to do so?. Those of us who landed there and stayed through the changes of ownership and policies and such did so because the bottom line was we cared about our job. We cared about the people we worked with and about the people we worked for…the families and patients. All of the sudden decision started happening that didn’t make sense, and people that had dedicated their lives to helping others were being let go and the people who replaced them were good at financial management but lousy at compassion and caring. And the bounce out of bed, can’t wait to see who’s life we can impact for the better attitude, became a don’t want to go to work and see what new change that moves us farther from compassion is in store for me today replaced that.
And so even though it was a blow to lose the job I loved, when I lost it the truth of it was that I didn’t love it anymore. Looking back now 9 months later, I see the tears I shed weren’t for the loss of the job but for the loss of the my “family” the people who I worked with every day, the people who like me felt a calling to be in the place they were. And the anger I felt was really fear of the unknown. The loss of income, the fear of not finding a job that was as meaningful to me as my Hospice job had been, the fear of failure. And looking back, and seeing the changes that have occurred since the day I left, I am grateful and appreciative that God removed me from that situation and put me on a path to something new.
I have grown so much in my faith in the last few months. I have had time to sit and reflect and time to explore and learn about myself in ways that I wouldn’t have had if I were still there. I was tied to a place because of a job. Joe and I have a unique opportunity now to figure out where we want to be and make it happen. There is no way I would have left that job, miserable or not, on my own because I didn’t think it would be possible to survive without that income. And not only are we surviving, we are thriving because the debt is gone, my want it attitude has changed to do I need it?, and I have learned that there is immense pleasure in the simple things that cost nothing…watching the squirrels as I sit and read a book that I got from the library, walking along the path hand in hand with Joe dreaming about our future, going to the dog park and watching all the dogs play, being able to leave on a Friday afternoon to go to Kingfisher and get a headstart on hanging out with my niece and seeing my family. And a newfound compassion for the unemployed, the homeless, the struggling because until I got thrust into the world of job hunting and state health insurance and budgeting, I didn’t have a clue what it was like, how hard it is for some.
And now as we move forward I have no doubt that the job that I am intended to have, in the place that I am intended to be is right around the corner. Instead of questioning why I didn’t get the Stillwater job that I had high hopes for, I am able to step back and say, ok well that was not the right place or the right job apparently. God has another plan. And believe it.
Disappointment is a part of life. But if you can look at disappointment as redirection then I think its actually a good thing. Sometimes, the road less traveled is the one that you should be navigating. You just don’t know it at the time.
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