This week has been an emotion packed week for me. Monday I started my new job, Tuesday I tried to comfort my son and daughter-in-law when they learned that their baby had no heartbeat when they went in for a routine sonogram. From the top of the world to the depths of sorrow in a little over 24 hours. Throw in missing Joe and anxiously awaiting his arrival to Austin and learning to navigate traffic and and all the minor headaches associated with change and I find myself in a TGIF frame of mind. Throughout the week, I have called on my faith to encourage, to sustain and to guide me.
And though I have no answer now as to why the precious baby that was to be was taken from us, I have peace that comes from knowing that someday I will have that answer.
When Chris called me after learning that there was no heartbeat, the tears and sorrow in his voice were almost unbearable. My heart broke for them and I felt so powerless. It got me thinking about all the times in my sons' life where I would have given anything to take the sadness or pain away.
And at some point you realize that it is through that pain and adversity that they grow.
I remember so many times that I wanted to intervene when they were in grade school when someone hurt their feelings. Not getting invited to a birthday party, or being teased on the playground or not getting the award they hoped for, or the part in a school play they wanted. My instinct was to want to lash out at the culprit, the situation or the person that had caused their pain. I remember every year I would be so grateful for having boys when cheerleading tryouts came around. My friends with girls would brace themselves for the devastating heartbreak of their daughters when they weren't chosen.
And then during the teen years when the girl they liked rejected them or there was a break up of a relationship, how I longed to fast forward the healing process for them.
What parent hasn't dropped their child off at the first day of school and wanted to keep them from growing up so fast.
In my own life I have had times when I thought I would just lay down and die the pain was so unbearable but every time I have been able to pick up the pieces, give them to God and watch him make beauty from the ashes.
This week as I have shed tears of joy and tears of sorrow I have found myself humming the song about Sorrow my last for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Sometimes that night stretches on for a lot longer than a "night" but Joy always does return.
Someday I know that I will be playing with my grandchildren and my heart will fill with joy. For now, my heart is hurting, for the loss of a child I couldn't wait to meet. And at the same time, my heart is full of peace because of the assurance that even in times like these, God is there. As I watch the grace and strength that my kids have shown this week I have been awed with their faith in action.
Tonight as I sat by Juliet's hospital bed as she talked about her ordeal today, on her birthday no less, I was struck by how much I admire her for her faith and conviction. As I listened to her tell my son how much she loved him and how he had come through for her and what it meant for her to be her rock through this, I thanked God for allowing a sad situation to strengthen their love and bond and give them a testimony of faith to witness to others.
Surrounded by love, buoyed by faith, we press on. Life isn't always easy, in fact some times it's tough.
I thought about my mom today. And three times when I was thinking about her and about Chris and Juliet I saw a Frog. On a sign, on a post it note I pulled from a drawer and on a license plate as I navigated the traffic to reach the hospital. And I could hear my mom's sweet voice in my head saying, Life's pretty hard sometimes LeeAnn, but you just have to Fully Rely On God.
Which is exactly what I intend to do. Blessings! L
No comments:
Post a Comment