In Other Words

Today on facebook a friend has put the quote “The tongue has no bones, but it is strong enough to break a heart. So be careful with your words.

I remember as a little girl the chant “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”  Oh, how I wanted to believe that but often found it wasn’t true.   I was picked on a lot when I was a kid.  I wasn’t particularly homely or anything but my mom had given me a curly perm and my front teeth stuck out a little and so the kids in 2^nd grade called me gopher.   I was not very athletic, even then and so I was always the last one picked for any team when it came to kickball, etc.  And I was not at all good at hiding my feelings (still not) and so when I did get called a name or picked last I would usually start to cry which made it sooooo much worse.  Somehow, saying (as my mom told me to) Stick and stones may break my bones…….didn’t seem that effective when said through tears. 

I remember that I could hardly wait for my perm to be gone so I wouldn’t be called curly head gopher anymore.  My teeth seemed to take care of themselves eventually and the perm grew out; but by then I had been forced to get glasses and so four eyes took over as the preferred taunt.  “Boys never make passes as girls who wear glasses” I remember the chant well.  Though at that age I didn’t have a clue what making passes meant.  I just knew it sounded like I was being left out of something. 

I made a little headway by 4^th grade as my perm was gone, almost everyone had glasses by then and I started to come out of my shyness a little.  I didn’t cry quite so readily anymore.  I had a circle of friends who served to buffer me from the bullies.  I still was last picked at recess.  But I was really good at writing and spelling and so I found something that gave me satisfaction.  I remember the teacher reading my essays out loud almost every time we had a writing assignment and I was the 5^th grade Spelling bee champ.  I got a little respect for that.  But kids being kids, I got picked on for being teachers “pet.” 

I was grateful that my name didn’t rhyme with anything so I didn’t have the same misfortune as  some of my friends.  Joni Baloney comes to mind.  And my friend Tina Kellogg who always got called Kellogg’s cornflakes.

The truth is, words do hurt sometimes.  I know people who don’t really “filter” their words in the interest of “well it’s the truth so why shouldn’t I say it” and as a result leave a lot of hurt feelings and  broken hearts along the way.

A couple of weeks ago Joe and I went to Church with Chris and Juliet and the topic was called “there’s no app for that”  Controlling my Mouth.  Their pastor made a lot of good points.  One of them was “my mouth can destroy what’s around me”.  Quoting from James 3: 6  “the tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body”.   He warned against becoming a verbal arsonist.

How often have we seen it happen?  Someone’s remark that causes a virtual firestorm of gossip.  Regardless of the truth, once something is said it is out there. It can’t be taken back.  I always thought it was interesting when on “court shows” someone will object and then the judge has the words stricken from the record.  Well, they may not be written down anymore.  But once they were out there and into the ears of the jurors, I would think it impossible to ignore.   Maybe that’s the point.  Lawyers say something that will be objected too knowing that even if the objection is sustained, the damage is done.

I haven’t enjoyed my job much lately.  The job itself hasn’t changed but the atmosphere in which I work has.  A particularly difficult co-worker, who has no verbal filter, and a highly critical spirit  has created a rift within the office that is hard to ignore.  Unfortunately, this verbal arsonist, in spite of being told that she is too harsh and critical and speaks to people in a way that is condescending and rude, cannot accept that truth and has stated that she is a people person.  That the people who have a problem with her are too “sensitive”.  She truly believes that she is well liked for her “Honesty” when in fact she is not. She is not a good fit for “hospice” where feelings are amplified by the sheer reality of the lives we deal with on a daily basis. 

All of us have said things in anger that we regret.  We all stumble.  I remember once when my ex-husband asked me what it was like to hear God’s voice speaking to me saying “well you’ll never know because only His sheep hear his voice and you are an ass.  Seeing the hurt on his face, I wished I could take it back but once it’s said, its done.  All that’s left to do is apologize and feel bad about what you said.

Another point the pastor made was that our “mouth can display what’s inside of us”  If we hold on to anger or bitterness or negative emotions, they are going to eventually come out when we least expect it.  And we may vent that  venom on someone who did nothing but be at the wrong place at the wrong time.  We all do this.  I know that I have taken my bad mood home with me many times and allowed some small thing to be magnified because I haven’t dealt with the real issue.

It’s easy to speak before we think sometimes.  The phrase open mouth, insert foot comes to mind.  I know I have unwittingly hurt feelings before by not thinking before I speak.   If only it were easier to heed the advice of James 1:19-20 Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry………..

Easier said than done.  But worth the effort. Things are radically different than when I was a kid.  Then, you might be bullied or called a name and everyone in earshot heard.  Now, a reputation can be destroyed, a heart broken, a fragile life pushed over the edge by a post on social media that is seen instantaneously by hundreds of people. 

In the case of my verbal arsonist co-worker, I’m not sure what it will take to put out the fire she has started.  We can distance ourselves from her as much as possible so that she doesn’t have the opportunity to hurt us.  We can look for another place to work but there are those like her in every workplace.  We can teach ourselves not to react to her and hope that she will stop when she sees she has no power to make someone feel bad.    Cruella needs to be taught a lesson, I heard someone  say this morning.  Maybe a little bullying the bully?   I have tried the “speaking the truth in love” method telling her that I thought she was a little harsh on someone and that maybe she owes them an apology” only to be told to mind my own business. 

Maybe watching her uncontrolled tongue wreak havoc in its path is simply a reminder to the rest of us to guard our own. 

My brother Jimmy played a gig at a place called Strange Brew last Saturday night.  The waitresses were wearing Strange Brew t-shirts.  The back of them said “BE DIFFERENT, BE KIND”.Another good reminder to us all , but how sad that being kind is being different. 

Maybe we should all fall back to the advice we have all heard hundreds of times.  “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.  What a kinder world it would be.  Or at least, think before we speak and make sure our words meet the following “tests”. 

Is it true?  Is it necessary?  Is it kind?