Tuesday, January 2, 2018
Monday, January 1, 2018
NEW YEAR, NEW ATTITUDE
Wow! The last blog I did was in April of 2017 when I wrote a tribute to Jimmy who was dying of cancer. I guess you can say that my love of writing, of comedy, and a lot of other things went out the window when I lost my brother, my dad and my job in a 5 month period. It has been a difficult period for me as I have tried to figure out what my purpose is going forward in this life and trying to heal a broken heart. Working for Hospice for 10 years taught me a lot about compassion and end of life and grief but it was always someone else's grief which is entirely different.
I still haven't been able to bring myself to listen to Jimmy's music because I can't bear to hear the voice that is no longer here. I loved Jimmy so much and I have so many regrets that I didn't spend more time with him. We lived in Austin for a year and saw him only a couple of times....and that was at his shows where if we were lucky we were able to speak to him for a few minutes because so many people wanted to talk to him. I barely know my nephew Jackson and that makes me very sad. One of my resolutions for 2018 is to go down to Austin and spend some time with him. Maybe telling him stories of his dad's childhood would help in his healing and help me as well.
As for my dad, I know I did the best I could and Joe and I will never regret the time we spent in Kingfisher caring for him. Anyone that has a loved one with dementia/alzheimers will tell you it's a never ending job and my own health was so compromised at the time that it came to a point that I simply couldn't do it anymore. Still it remains one of the things I beat myself up over that I failed somehow and he ended up in a facility, albeit a really good one. The last word he said to me and to Connie after we returned him from a family gathering was "get the hell out of here then" when we told him he had to stay and we had to go. 3 days later he died suddenly and while in so many ways it was a blessing, it still hurts and adds to the guilt that I can't seem to break thru.
My job was one I dearly loved and the loss was profound. My job has always defined me somewhat and so after 4 months of searching and not finding another, it is a daily struggle for me to have any self worth. I'm scared that I won't find another job and what that means for our future. Joe is working crazy hours to compensate but that in many ways causes more heartache for me as I don't see him nearly often enough and he misses out on so many things.
Add some minor things to the last 6 months, like falling and busting my tooth and the bills from that, and I can work myself into a pretty phenomenal pity party pretty rapidly.
I can't bring Jimmy or my dad back, and I have decided on the job that when God wants me back to work he will direct where and when and so I am determined to go forward into this brand new year with a positive attitude. If I have to fake it to make it than that's what I'll do.
Why is it so much easier to give in to the sorrow than to appreciate the blessings? I am determined to appreciate the blessings. Hannah, for one who came into this world in January of what would be the most challenging year of my life. Joe, because a better man I could not have found. He loves me with his whole heart and I feel that love even when he's not around. Pablo, omg this dog makes my heart sing....he listens without judging, keeps me on my toes, and makes me laugh constantly. He's a little "manic" but he's exactly the personality I need. Having Liz and Andy a short drive away is a blessing. Being in Colorado which was a life long dream to live in the mountains. Chris and Juliet and the wonderful parents they are to little Hannah. My neighbor Donna who has become a dear friend and someone to go to plays and Bingo and out to eat with. My family in Oklahoma that always welcome me with open arms when I am able to visit. Deronda, who has been a part of my life for so many years and who would help me in a heartbeat. That she was my mom's best friend before she got with my dad turned out to be a blessing as well because we are able to talk about my mom and laugh about her whenever we are together. My nieces and nephews who are all incredibly great "kid's" I love them all. Dear friends, old and new who I am grateful to have in my life. Some I barely know but connected with thru Jimmy like Christine and Terry and Pat. And extended family including my cousin Roxeanne who is 15 minutes away.
Life , in short, is good. I am anxious to find myself again in a place of peace and contentment and so I have made resolutions to that end. I am going to find a grief group, continue to work to find a great job, start writing again, find a Church to go to. Comedy seems a far goal if I ever take it up again. I used to find the funny in everything but now I can't seem to find that bubble of laughter very often.
And to get healthy is another priority. I have an appointment with a new endocrinologist because I want to live to see Hannah grown and I haven't been focused enough on my diabetes management.
My faith has been shaken to the core this year, yet my faith has always sustained me. And it will continue to.
My goal is to write a blog once a week. And to make it fit with my BLOG title of LAUGHING with LeeAnn. And while I have learned the hard way that you can't control everything in this life, I know that I can control my attitude. And that's what I intend to do.
I still haven't been able to bring myself to listen to Jimmy's music because I can't bear to hear the voice that is no longer here. I loved Jimmy so much and I have so many regrets that I didn't spend more time with him. We lived in Austin for a year and saw him only a couple of times....and that was at his shows where if we were lucky we were able to speak to him for a few minutes because so many people wanted to talk to him. I barely know my nephew Jackson and that makes me very sad. One of my resolutions for 2018 is to go down to Austin and spend some time with him. Maybe telling him stories of his dad's childhood would help in his healing and help me as well.
As for my dad, I know I did the best I could and Joe and I will never regret the time we spent in Kingfisher caring for him. Anyone that has a loved one with dementia/alzheimers will tell you it's a never ending job and my own health was so compromised at the time that it came to a point that I simply couldn't do it anymore. Still it remains one of the things I beat myself up over that I failed somehow and he ended up in a facility, albeit a really good one. The last word he said to me and to Connie after we returned him from a family gathering was "get the hell out of here then" when we told him he had to stay and we had to go. 3 days later he died suddenly and while in so many ways it was a blessing, it still hurts and adds to the guilt that I can't seem to break thru.
My job was one I dearly loved and the loss was profound. My job has always defined me somewhat and so after 4 months of searching and not finding another, it is a daily struggle for me to have any self worth. I'm scared that I won't find another job and what that means for our future. Joe is working crazy hours to compensate but that in many ways causes more heartache for me as I don't see him nearly often enough and he misses out on so many things.
Add some minor things to the last 6 months, like falling and busting my tooth and the bills from that, and I can work myself into a pretty phenomenal pity party pretty rapidly.
I can't bring Jimmy or my dad back, and I have decided on the job that when God wants me back to work he will direct where and when and so I am determined to go forward into this brand new year with a positive attitude. If I have to fake it to make it than that's what I'll do.
Why is it so much easier to give in to the sorrow than to appreciate the blessings? I am determined to appreciate the blessings. Hannah, for one who came into this world in January of what would be the most challenging year of my life. Joe, because a better man I could not have found. He loves me with his whole heart and I feel that love even when he's not around. Pablo, omg this dog makes my heart sing....he listens without judging, keeps me on my toes, and makes me laugh constantly. He's a little "manic" but he's exactly the personality I need. Having Liz and Andy a short drive away is a blessing. Being in Colorado which was a life long dream to live in the mountains. Chris and Juliet and the wonderful parents they are to little Hannah. My neighbor Donna who has become a dear friend and someone to go to plays and Bingo and out to eat with. My family in Oklahoma that always welcome me with open arms when I am able to visit. Deronda, who has been a part of my life for so many years and who would help me in a heartbeat. That she was my mom's best friend before she got with my dad turned out to be a blessing as well because we are able to talk about my mom and laugh about her whenever we are together. My nieces and nephews who are all incredibly great "kid's" I love them all. Dear friends, old and new who I am grateful to have in my life. Some I barely know but connected with thru Jimmy like Christine and Terry and Pat. And extended family including my cousin Roxeanne who is 15 minutes away.
Life , in short, is good. I am anxious to find myself again in a place of peace and contentment and so I have made resolutions to that end. I am going to find a grief group, continue to work to find a great job, start writing again, find a Church to go to. Comedy seems a far goal if I ever take it up again. I used to find the funny in everything but now I can't seem to find that bubble of laughter very often.
And to get healthy is another priority. I have an appointment with a new endocrinologist because I want to live to see Hannah grown and I haven't been focused enough on my diabetes management.
My faith has been shaken to the core this year, yet my faith has always sustained me. And it will continue to.
My goal is to write a blog once a week. And to make it fit with my BLOG title of LAUGHING with LeeAnn. And while I have learned the hard way that you can't control everything in this life, I know that I can control my attitude. And that's what I intend to do.
Friday, April 21, 2017
Oh Brother
I dug back thru my 300 something blogs to find the one I had written about Jimmy. As my heart breaks as his health declines, I wanted to take time to let him know how very much I love him and what an impact he has made on my life. I believe in miracles and I believe in the power of prayer and I will stand strong and continue to pray for that miracle of extended time for this man that means so much to so many people. You could fill a pond with the tears I've shed this week alone. Seeing on social media how many people have responded to the devastating news with encouragement and prayer, I think what an amazing life my brother has lived. How many of us can leave this earth with the kind of legacy he will leave. He has spent his life doing what he loves and touching so so many people along the way. Please join me in prayers for Jimmy. Losing him will be devastating. He is a wonderful, wonderful soul.
Here's the old blog:
Here's the old blog:
In the LaFave family order, Garry, Jimmy, LeeAnn, Robert and Connie, Jimmy is 3 years older than me and thus the closest in age sibling. We looked a lot alike when we were younger and occasionally someone would ask if we were twins, which I’m sure he didn’t like. My mom usually sent me with Jimmy and Garry anywhere they went and so I was the tag a long little sister, always in the way.
They made up for the annoyance by tormenting me with cottonwood beetles…those ugly cream color bugs with black spots on their back. They would put them in my bed, chase me around the yard with me screaming, and throw them at me. My mom would say “you boys quit picking on your little sister”.. Like that worked! I got them back by tattling on them on a regular basis.
Particularly Jimmy who seemed to always be in a fight in grade school. More than once I can remember running home after school as fast as I could to tell my mom that Jimmy was gonna fight someone at the baseball field. She would load me and the younger kids in the car and drive to the fight site and make Jimmy get in the car. That probably got him into even more fights come to think of it. Pretty hard to believe I know because Jimmy is one of the most laid back, non confrontational adults I know.
When they weren’t tormenting me with cottonwood beetles they were throwing chinaberries at my best friend Joni and me. I was scared of everything when I was a little girl, particularly “ghost stories” and so he and Garry would come into my room at night sometimes and hide in the closet and in a spooky voice say things like “we are here to take you away” which always made me jump up and run screaming into my mom and dad’s room.
When we moved to Stillwater, Jimmy was pretty popular with the girls. Including a lot of my friends. I had a hard time sometimes figuring out if certain girls wanted to hang out with me for me, or to be able to be in the same vicinity as Jimmy. He hated that my mom made him give me rides to school when he was a Senior and I was a freshman. It wasn’t cool. There were many days he would “accidently forget” me and I would have to ride the bus. Still, when it came down to it, Jimmy looked out for me. Once when a boyfriend refused to return a shirt I had loaned him, Jimmy threatened to beat him up. I got my shirt back.
As we got older, and Jimmy moved away, I didn’t see him as much. Still every family Christmas you could count on him keeping everyone entertained..not with his music but with his funny stories. He is one of the funniest people I know. He can make me laugh harder than anyone else I know.
It’s been great watching his career through the years and I always admired the fact that he never gave up on his dream, even when he had hard times. And in spite of his success, he is still as humble as he was back when Shakey’s Pizza in Stillwater was his only gig. And I learned long ago that as a “songwriter” Jimmy thinks I’m pretty lame. He took what was to be my big debut song “Potholes in the Highway of Life” and turned it into a rap song. And he’s right of course. Songwriting is not my forte.
It’s always fun to go to one of his shows and be introduced as his sister. Suddenly everyone wants to talk to me and find out what Jimmy was like as a kid. Or what it was like growing up with such a talented brother. The “celebrity” thing always surprises me because to me he’s just Jimmy. A few weeks ago I was in Austin and we went to a South by Southwest musicfest performance at a downtown restaurant. I was in the bathroom in a stall and I heard a lady say “I heard Jimmy’s sister from Oklahoma is here. I bet she has a lot of stories about Jimmy.” When I came out of the stall I said “I’m LeeAnn, Jimmy’s sister.” Suddenly I was bombarded with questions…what was he like as a kid, is he married, has he always been so talented, how does it feel being his sister”. It was really pretty funny. I felt pretty special. I answered their questions, returned to my table and watched him play. He was good. Always is. But to me, he’s Just Jimmy.
The last few years since our mom died I haven’t seen Jimmy as much. The family still gets together for holidays and birthdays most of the time. But Jimmy is in Austin, pretty far away to be able to come for Sunday lunch in Kingfisher. A lot of times, he is on the road. Now that my son and his wife live in Austin I have seen him a lot more than I used to.
He doesn’t perform that much in Oklahoma anymore…The Woody Guthrie Festival this weekend will be an opportunity for me to see him again. I love that I can go backstage with the musicians by telling the “gate guard” I’m Jimmy’s sister.
He was home a few weeks ago for Fathers Day which was absolutely wonderful because it was the first time since my mom died that all 5 of us had been at the same place. As we sat and looked through old pictures, many of which I have linked below, it felt good to know that in spite of the different paths all our lives have taken us down, when we get together its like the old days in Mesquite, Texas growing up.
We share a lot of the same memories. We have a bond that time or distance cannot break. He is my brother and I am proud of him, proud to say I’m his sister.
And today, I wanted to tell him so. Thanks for all you’ve done for me through the years Jimmy. I love you! Leedybohunkus (where he came up with that to call me as a kid I don’t know but I remember it 50 years later…LOL)
http://s1110.photobucket.com/albums/h448/elan58/Me%20and%20Jimmy/?albumview=slideshow
http://s1110.photobucket.com/albums/h448/elan58/Me%20and%20Jimmy/?albumview=slideshow
Sunday, January 22, 2017
Hannah
Words fail me. I simply can't express the emotion I feel as I look down on the sleeping day old baby resting in my arms. Perfection. A sense of wonder. Those tiny fingers gripping mine cause my heart to swell to an almost unbearable love. Tears roll down my face.
I've been a daughter , a sister , an aunt , a mother, a mother in law, a wife , a friend, a sister in law, a co worker , a manager, a comedian, a neighbor, a niece, and many other roles. This one, grandmother, feels different. Holding the child of my child.
Love at first sight. I would take on the world to protect her. I can't wait to teach her. I can't wait to tell her stories about her dad, my son. I can't wait to hear what she ends up calling me.
What a blessing! What a gift! Time stops. Worry and anxiety and fear and stress have no place here in my world as I hold this bundle of perfection. Only an overwhelming gratefulness and love fill my hear now.
Hannah is here. Life is good.
I've been a daughter , a sister , an aunt , a mother, a mother in law, a wife , a friend, a sister in law, a co worker , a manager, a comedian, a neighbor, a niece, and many other roles. This one, grandmother, feels different. Holding the child of my child.
Love at first sight. I would take on the world to protect her. I can't wait to teach her. I can't wait to tell her stories about her dad, my son. I can't wait to hear what she ends up calling me.
What a blessing! What a gift! Time stops. Worry and anxiety and fear and stress have no place here in my world as I hold this bundle of perfection. Only an overwhelming gratefulness and love fill my hear now.
Hannah is here. Life is good.
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