I was chatting with a friend yesterday and somewhere in the conversation bubble bath and my need for a nice relaxing one after a stressful day came up and its so amazing how one word or one conversation can trigger a memory of something you haven’t thought about in years. Well, this particular incident was one in which not only did I ignore the hot tub sign warning do not turn on jets until water is at this line but I also ignored the sign that said DO NOT USE Bubble bath in this tub. What resulted was a drenched me, a drenched room, a drenched guestbook (at a bed and breakfast) and the manager with a wet vac sucking up mounds and mounds of bubbles while I apologized profusely.
Now that I think back it must’ve been a really funny sight to see. Not one of my finer moments. I read signs now and if it says Don’t…..I don’t. Well except for those annoying Don’t Walk signs. Seriously, has anyone ever made it across the street while its blinking walk? Maybe a speed walker.
Anyway, I started thinking of some of my more memorable mishaps and the what was I thinking moments in my life and I came up with a few words of wisdom based on experience.
For example: Do not give a bunch of 6 years old boys plastic swords for a party favor and expect them not to stab each other. I realize now that while the swords did go with the Pirate party theme, it was a really STUPID party favor for 6 year olds. Lesson learned.
Or along that same line: Do not give a bunch of 9 year old boys water guns as party favors and tell them not to fill them with water until they get home. Especially in a public place (the bowling alley) where your access to the mens room is limited. Balls with holes in them, water guns and 9 year old boys do not mix! Lesson learned.
Do not sign a release for a newspaper to use whatever they want about your story even if the reporter is a friend who assures you that your weight and measurements will not be printed, that they are merely for comparison purposes. Yes, I did this. I trusted the media! I entered a contest to win a 30 day health club membership and personal trainer for 30 days. I went to the health club where I was weighed, measured, photographed in a body suit so the fat showed really well and then signed a freaking newpaper release. Imagine my horror a few days later when my weight, my measurements (even my wrist measurements) and my lovely fat photo were published in the newspaper for the entire city of Muskogee to see. I have never been so humiliated in my life. The worst part? When I opened the newspaper and discovered my measurements and weight on page 6 of the Life section and began to sob hysterically, my husband came into the room, looked at the paper and said “My God, you weigh that much!!” When I realized that even if I did buy every paper in the paper boxes in town that people would still see this, I called in sick for a week and didn’t leave the house. When I ventured out, I ran into a man at the post office that I did not know who loudly proclaimed, hey there goes (insert bust size). Lesson Learned.
Or Do not send chocolates to your dad for fathers day by US mail …Its June for crying out loud. Enough said. My mom said that the post office particularly loved receiving that dripping package. It’s the thought that counts right?
Or it doesn’t work to bake something that calls for 200 degree oven for 30 minutes at 400 degrees for 15 just cause you are in a hurry. And if you forget the peanuts in peanut brittle its just brittle. And you can't substitute seasoning salt in your cake recipe just because you are out of the white kind. And just so you know there is difference between baking soda and baking powder even if they do look a lot alike. Just saying....
Sticking a metal fork in a plugged in toaster to unstick the toast is not a good idea. Instant perm.
Which speaking of perms, never trust a hairdresser who says Trust me, you will love your hair permed. I looked like carrot top without the red hair for a month before it finally settled down. My sons were traumatized. Andy (who was 5 at the time) made me pinky swear never to get a perm again!
Never let a 20 year old friend pick out your outfit for your first date in 18 years when you are age 42. Somehow a bustier that hikes your boobs up to chin level doesn’t look quite as attractive as you may think it does. See Chapter 2 Pat the Pervert in my dating adventures. I may have been partially to blame!!!
Never sit on a water bed, hem pants and stick the pins in the comforter as you work. When you get up from said water bed, the resulting wave and pins in the comforter will create a sprinkler effect. Also, along that line, when sewing on a button it is important to match it to the hole. Otherwise, you won’t be able to button the shirt even with a replaced button. (that’s what the dry cleaners are for, right..sewing on buttons). Remember when hemming to place the fabric somewhere other than in your lap lest you sew the pants to your pants. Also, Duct tape will not hold a hem if it raining outside. And just so you know black duct tape shows through white band uniform pants. My poor, poor sons!
Add these words of wisdom to some you already have learned from my blogs, notably e-clips are very important parts of a mower wheel assembly, contacts should never be placed in a drinking glass, if you're limping and don’t know why check your heels to see if your dog has chewed an inch off one, and don’t throw a paralyzed dog into the lake thinking they will swim.
Oh, one final note. When speaking in public, and you haven’t said anything funny and the audience is laughing hysterically, be sure to check the back of your slacks and make sure static cling from the dryer hasn’t attached a pair of pink panties to your butt.
Live, learn, laugh.
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