Enduring Love

I was looking through the online dating sites the other day and came across this quote one of the guys put in his profile.  He didn’t quote the writer; I emailed him to see if he wrote that because if he did then I am very impressed.   

"love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what real love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, and it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. We had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

We all want to feel that earthquake.  That over the top excitement about someone and to have it returned is the ultimate.  Some people never commit to a relationship because once that excitement wears off, they move on in search of another person to feel that for and with.   If you think of it that way, it’s no surprise that so many relationships fail.  When the excitement wears down a bit and what is left is two flawed people who must compromise to stay together, I think the tendency for many is to bail out.

One of my married friends disagrees about the excitement wearing off.   He says that he doesn’t think you have to lose the initial excitement.  That it’s working at keeping that initial excitement alive which brings the roots together.  And that it’s the roots growing together which helps you through difficult times and builds trust.  He’s been married 30 + years and with that attitude it’s easy to see why.

I am always so touched by the sight of an older couple holding hands as they walk along or sitting next to each other at a restaurant.  Touched may be the wrong word here. Envious might be better.   That kind of mature, abiding love is what I want in my life.  The one tree, not two kind of love.  That is the kind of love worth waiting for. 

And it’s not just relationships either that have this big explosion of wonderful and then a tapering down to normal. When I first decided to take charge and get healthy, get the weight off, and exercise I was so gung ho, so driven that I’m sure people were wondering when I would get back to normal.  At first it was wonderful because the first few pounds dropped quickly and each day I walked I could go a little farther and/or a little faster.  But then after a few weeks, the weight started coming off slower, I hit plateaus and I began to take the fact that I was walking every day as nothing out of the ordinary. The excitement wore off. But I still have a long way to go so the while the commitment is definitely still there, the fun of watching the scales move has worn off. 

This happens all the time.  We get a job we love and for a few months can’t wait to get there.  Then the work begins to become routine or mundane and we find ourselves dreading Monday morning.  Or the excitement of a brand new car.  At first we park away from other cars so our doors don’t get dinged. Or we make a no eating in the car rule.  But eventually, the newness wears off and the scratches and spills become no big deal.  Or at least to some.

I dated a guy that had a truck that was a 95 model I think.  This truck was 10 years old and you would think it had just been driven off the showroom floor.  This truck was regularly washed and waxed and buffed and shined.  The interior was spit shined.  No food or drink every entered that truck.  There were towels on top of the floor mats so that they would not get dirty.  The seats had towels on them as well so that no dirt got on them either.  It was actually pretty annoying at times because when you were in that truck it made me nervous, afraid I would have a speck of dirt on my feet when I got out and back in.

This truck had become somewhat of a shrine for him.  It was his pride and joy. When someone would compliment him on it saying man that is a nice looking truck to be 10 years old, he would beam. 

I knew that this man truly loved me because one day when I was talking about renting a truck to help my son move from one apartment to another he OFFERED to let me borrow the truck.  THE TRUCK!!! OMG.  I was so touched.  That gesture was worth a thousand I Love You’s.  I lined the back with cardboard and I put extra towels on the floor mats and seats and took off in the truck and drove to Stillwater.   I supervised the loading and the unloading, making sure not a single scratch or any dirt got on it.  When I left Stillwater, the truck looked like it had been parked in his garage, never driven. 

But then the worst thing happened.  I was dodging a box that fell off the truck ahead of me on the Muskogee Turnpike and I hit one of those construction barrels with the truck instead.  I pulled over and when I saw the dent and the huge scratch on the front end I was panicked.  I called him and when he answered I broke into incoherent sobbing about what had happened.  I think the only words he caught were accident, dented, scratched, construction barrel.    There was dead silence on the line.  Then he said, “you will have to pay for the repairs.”  Which I certainly intended to do anyway.  But at that moment, I realized that there are varying degrees of love and mine was a whole lot more for him than his for me.  No, are you ok? No its just a truck. No, its ok, its fixable and you aren’t hurt..thats all that matters.  No, calm down I know you didn’t mean to scratch it.  Just, you’ll have to pay for the repairs. 

Looking back, I should have realized that the relationship had run its course. I should have written the $700 repair check and never looked back. Instead I wasted 2 more years in a relationship that was doomed.  This was not the kind of love that would endure.  We would never be one tree.  There was a huge truck wedged in between the branches. 

Now I know you men who may be reading this blog are thinking BUT IT WAS IN MINT CONDITION…but no possession on earth should be more important than the ones you love.  Period.  

I know that someday, I will find that perfect mate. I have every confidence that God will bring the right person into my life and me into theirs.  I know that there is someone out there that will pour into me the love they will surely receive from me.  That tenacious, abiding, loyal, trusting, you are a part of me kind of love.   Love that will make it through the good and bad, the fun and the not so fun.  Just when I least expect it Love will find me.  And I will be ready.  Arms open wide, heart fully engaged.