Forgive and Forget

If everybody could forgive and forget

Think of all the time we could spend, being friends

Think about all the lives we could change

And all the love we could make

Baby how the world would be a better place

In the end 

Song Lyrics from Leona Lewis song “Forgiveness”

Forgiveness is one of the toughest challenges I have ever faced in my life.  In some cases, it’s a daily renewal of forgiveness toward someone that has hurt me deeply.  Sometimes, when I think I’ve forgiven, something will happen and trigger the emotions of hurt and unforgiveness about something I long ago forgave.  And I have to start all over again to reach that point of being able to say “I forgive you”. 

None of us go through this life without being hurt at some point by someone, intentionally  or otherwise. At some point, we all struggle to forgive someone for a wrong.  So many times we hold a grudge, hold onto a wrong …we justify our feelings.  Unforgiveness is such a destructive thing.   It eats away at us.  Rarely, does it bother the person we are unforgiving  toward.  They probably don’t even realize how you feel.  I read that un forgiveness is like acid.  It rots the vessel that contains it.

This week on my class reunion site the conversation on one post got turned to High School and the clichés and snobs .  A lot of us don’t have particularly wonderful memories of high school.    As the  thread  continued it became apparent that there are some deep wounds that have never healed.   My  own experience with the reunion site is that a lot of people that never even knew each other have gotten to know each other through it and it’s a whole different playing field 38 years later.  There are some who for whatever reason have chosen not to accept friend requests or respond to an email.  There have also been people who wouldn’t give me the time of day in High School that have sent me emails telling me how much they enjoy my blogs.  I’m not keeping score of who does and who doesn’t  friend me because it really doesn’t matter to me now if someone likes me or not.  That is not going to stop me from going to the reunion and seeing the people that, like me, hold no ill feelings toward the people who 38 years ago didn’t include me in their clichés.  I feel pretty lucky actually to have made it through those teenage years without any major scars.   I have forgiven the “boy” who dealt me my first broken heart and we are now facebook friends.    And I long ago forgave the classmate I married for the mistakes we both made, though I don’t want him as a “facebook friend.”   I am not for a second making light of tormenting someone.  The news is filled with stories of bullying,some of which have led to suicide and destroyed lives.   What some may consider harmless teasing may lead to a lifetime of emotional scars for some.  What a tragedy. 

Years ago I watched an Oprah show one day (or maybe it was Springer or Maury…doesn’t matter really…in which her guest were people who had been deeply hurt by classmates long ago.  These guests were older, in their 30s and 40s even and they were still holding on to the hurt suffered at the hands of classmates 15, 20 years later.  Oprah brought out the tormenters (who thought they were there for a makeover or some entirely different reason).  And then gave the person who had been tormented a chance to tell the tormenter how their life had been changed by that person’s meanness.  What I remember most was that the people who had done the bullying were totally shocked that their action had caused someone that much pain.  So much that years later they were still hurting.  It was very touching to see the heartfelt apologies and the forgiveness rendered.  I may have even shed a tear or two, myself.

I tried to teach my children right and wrong and how to treat others when they were young.  They had huge birthday parties sometimes because the entire class was always invited.  My memory as a child of one girl that every year passed out invitations to her party at school, always leaving me out motivated me to be determined to never let that happen to another kid.  One year, when Andy had changed schools mid year when we moved to Ft. Gibson we invited his old class and his new class.  We had a party planned for outside and it rained.  I scrambled at the last minute, called the Church and got the activity center ok’d to have it in and we had about 30 kids.  Not easy on the wallet.   But worth it to know that no one’s feelings were hurt.  A few years back I got a call out of the blue from a woman I didn’t know. She explained that her daughter had been in Andy’s grade years ago and had always been picked on because she was fat.  She said that she was calling to thank me for the fact that all those years Andy  was nice to her daughter, never once joining in the namecalling and teasing.  NOTHING warms a parents’ heart more than to hear something like that.  I said, well Andy’s dad and I tried to impress on both our boys that bullying, unkindness in any form was wrong.  She said,well my daughter told me that one day she asked Andy why he was nice to her when no one else was.  And he said, “because God loves us all the same”.

 And he does. I try to remind myself when I start to say something less than kind about someone whether it be the clerk who is slow as molasses at the deli we eat at everyday to the retarded guy at Church that gives me a stinky hug each week in exchange for a dr. pepper.  Or the person who flips me off for driving in the fast lane when I shouldn’t be.  I probably do things every day that I am unaware of that hurts someone’s feelings.  I hope not.  But tell me you haven’t ran into someone and they say, I honked and waved at you last week and you just ignored me.  I always say,I didn’t see you.   I hope you didn’t think I was being stuck up.  Maybe some of the “snobs” in high school were so busy working on their own insecurities that what we perceived as being stuck-up was just unaware.  Though I can think of a couple of people that I think were aware and simply didn’t care.  Just a couple though.

Working in Hospice is an incredibly rewarding experience.  Though I don’t work directly with the patients, I work with those who do.  The stories of families and unforgiveness break my heart regularly.  The 89 year old woman who asks daily for our Social worker to see if she can get her 70 year old son to forgive her and come tell her goodbye.  The young man with Aids whose entire family had disowned him.  Our staff gave him a boom box for his room at the nursinghome.  When it became evident he was dying his family was called.  They told us to let them know when he was gone because they wanted to come get his stuff.  Our staff was with him when he died.  No one should have to die alone because of unforgiveness.   Sure enough his family members were there 15 minutes after his passing.  Fighting over the boom box and the few meager belongings he had.  There are stories like this daily.  The grandparents being denied seeing their grandkids because they don’t get along with the parent.  Heartache and heartbreak.  Being handed down from one generation to the next.

I read a quote about forgiveness last week.  Can’t remember the author.  But I do remember the quote.

Life is an adventure in forgiveness.

 Forgive someone today for a wrong they did you, yesterday or 40 years ago. Doesn’t really matter. You’ll feel a whole lot better.  And more importantly, seek out and ask forgiveness if you know you hurt someone on purpose.That being said, Victor Gorin,Class of 1976,I am sorry that I tormented you with prank calls so many years ago. Yes,it was me. I have no idea why you were my target.  But I am truly, truly sorry. I hope you will forgive me.

LeeAnn