So thinking today a lot about my blog I wrote a couple days ago about how things can turn on a dime and for once it seemed to be turning in the right direction for me in the romance department. The comments that I got of “it’s about time” made me think about my friends and family who have rode out the last 10 years of my life with me as I figured out how to live the life of a single woman again after the end of an 18 year marriage. Its been the support of family and friends who have picked me up when I got knocked down, laughed with me over some really bad dates, listened to me cry over some pretty big heartbreaks, and kept assuring me that eventually the tide would turn. And while time will tell and luckily I’m not superstitious and so I don’t think saying this will “jinx me” but I really think this time is different. My daughter in law Juliets comment about changing my status to in a relationship was priceless...She said "Elan, you did it". Made me laugh. I guess finding someone I really like that really likes me is a pretty big accomplishment. Yea me!
If it turns out I’m wrong, well I’ll do what I always do. Pick myself up, dust myself off, put the smile back on my face and get back out there and try again.
It seems like a lot of my single girlfriends that are my age and a lot of my single male friends have just decided it’s not worth it to put themselves out there. I have questioned that a lot myself. Could I live the rest of my life without a man in it? I think so. Do I want to? No, I really don’t. Not because I need someone in my life to take care of me, but because I want someone in my life. There’s a big difference.
I have a pretty amazing life to be honest. I have friends and family that love and support me. I have a job I love, I have a Church I love, I’m doing something I feel born to do in regard to comedy and writing. I have a roof over my head, food in my refrigerator, a car that starts when I get in it, dogs that truly love to see me when I get home. I’ve had some guys say that it seems to them that I would be too busy to date once we talk and they see how involved I am in “life”. Sometime I wonder if my involvement in so much is a defense against loneliness. I’ve thought about that before and I really don’t think it is. I think it’s just a zest for life, a decision to get out in the world and make things happen for me, not just sit back and wait for life to grab me and pull me in.
Ultimately, no friend, no family member, no child, no dog, no co-worker can fill that one spot in your heart that is meant for a spouse . You can close off that possibility and live a pretty fulfilled life. Or you can dream of the possibility of having that kind of love in your life.
And I can honestly say that every single “chapter” in my book, every man that I have risked opening up my heart for, has taught me something valuable. I can spot a red flag a mile away. I have ignored them at times and paid dearly. I have learned volumes about myself in the process. I have learned what I like, what I don’t like, what I will tolerate and what I won’t. I have learned how to handle rejection and I have rejected a few men along the way. I’ve tried and failed and tried and failed too many times to count…. at least 11 times that were worth a chapter. LOL
Last night at handbell practice a new lady heard my friends teasing me about changing my relationship status on facebook. And she stopped me afterward and told me that it was her greatest desire to meet someone and get married and have a family. She was curious about how I had gone about meeting someone when it’s so hard to do just that nowadays. I told her about the online sites, about speed dating, about blind dates. And she said “you are a brave woman”. Am I? I don’t think it’s particularly brave. I just think it’s about seeking out what you want. It’s all about taking a risk.
Years ago I worked for the District Manager of Farmers Insurance. We had 22 agents that he was over. We were always coming up with contests to motivate the guys to get out and beat the bushes down for prospective new customers. I remember Bob telling them over and over that the more leads they put in the cookie jar, the better the chance of having a sell. He would say if you end up selling insurance to 10% of the people you talk to then you have a lot better chance of selling 10 policies if you talk to 100 people than if you talk to 20. Or something like that!! LOL So it may take 100 dates to have 10 great ones. And it may take having your heartbroken 10 times to find the 1 guy who will love you unconditionally.
That’s kind of the way it is with life. The more people you meet, the better chance of finding the right one. So holding back, not being involved in things, not getting out and doing things with friends and other people is decreasing your odds of meeting someone. If the only man you ever see is the UPS guy delivering a package or the Jehovah Witnesses stopping by to talk religion then your odds of meeting someone special are much lower than if you are out and about doing things. Or inside but on- line meeting people. I have a cousin that lives in Alaska. I emailed her several months ago and said “hey I heard there are a lot more men in Alaska than women. That would increase the odds for the women of meeting a man right? She sent back, well the odds are good..but the goods are odd. I think that’s pretty funny. Kind of reminds me of the online dating. The odds are good that you will meet someone, but the someones you meet are pretty “odd” in many cases. LOL
One of my old boyfriends, Chapter 5, used to say that finding someone to love was a little like grocery shopping. Whether it is detergent or cereal or soup for example, there are several that would do the trick. But you have to try a lot of products before you find the one that you absolutely like the best. That one you go out of your way to locate on the crowded aisle. And when you find it, you don’t look at the price or the box it’s in or the calories. You just know that it’s the one you like the best. So you take it off the shelf. And you put it in your cart. And you head to the checkout. Sometimes you get close to the checkout and discover that it’s not really what you want. And so you do one of two things. You go thru the line and buy it anyway because you are hungry and you just want to be done with shopping and you “settle” knowing that you are not going to be entirely happy about it but something’s better than nothing. Or you return to the aisle, put it back on the shelf and try a different one. Eventually, you find it. The one you absolutely can’t live without. The one that if the manufacturer stopped making it you would miss it forever. And that’s the one you buy (marry).
I always thought that analogy was pretty silly when he would repeat it to someone. But I’ve been out in the dating world since he “returned me to the shelf” and I think about that often. As bad as it felt to be put back on the shelf, I would hate to have been the one he “settled” for too. And I’m glad that I have filled my life to the point that love is a bonus and not a need. I think you are a lot less likely to settle when you feel pretty good about yourself and your life regardless of what’s happening around you.
If I only had a crystal ball and knew what lies ahead. Though come to think of it, I really don’t want to know. Life is an adventure, a journey into the unknown. Scary but exciting at the same time. I’m ready for the trip.
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