Change of Heart

For the last 10 years I have used my gifts and talents and worked in the field of Hospice.  Joe said when he first saw my “profile” on Match.com 4 years ago, what intrigued him was the mention of what I did for a living  Hospice Manager/Stand- up Comedian.  Said he had to meet the person who could do both those things because they are so different.

What he found was someone that had a deep heart for people whose ability to think positive,  make the people around her laugh and think positive as well.

When I first began my career in Hospice, I believe that the company I worked for and the people I worked for were all there for a purpose…to make the end of someone else’s life better and more bearable for those who loved them.  Oh sure, there have always been government regulations to go along with that premise as the majority of Hospice patients use a Medicare benefit.  Because that benefit is the same for every patient, there becomes a responsibility for the manager to balance business with compassion.  In hospice, it has to be about the patient balanced with being able to pay the bills.

In my early years of Hospice, I had a boss who was an expert at balancing the two.  She did so with grace and humility, with fairness in her treatment of employees and of patients.  With Lynelle’s guidance and mentoring, I learned a valuable lesson.  How to manage people and business with grace. 

I have stayed upbeat and seen the glass half full for most of my life.  I have not compromised my principles or tried to become someone that I am not.  Truly, in business, in life what you see is what you get. 

As I walked away from a career field that I have loved for a decade last week, knowing that I won’t return to it because it is so radically different now than what the intent was when I started in a lot of cases, I felt a sense of relief that I have not felt in some time.  Leaving was the right thing to do.

In a cutthroat world, sometimes you feel the only way to survive is to stay below the radar and not make any waves, do the job and go home, not take it personal.  But for me to do that,  would be to become something I’m not and frankly someone I don’t want to be.  When surviving means that you must treat others NOT as you would like to be treated, but rather as you are TOLD to treat them, then something is wrong.  For those of you who use a micromanaging, in your face, intimidating style of management and its worked, I have no words other than to say “at what cost has your success come?”  Can you go home every night and feel good about yourself?  If so, then this blog is not for you.

When a hateful, rude and condescending person  proudly proclaims “you have to treat people that way to get them to perform” and the expectation is that you do the same or be seen as weak, you have to ask yourself as I did “at what cost”.  Is a great salary, a title, a corner office really worth losing your joy, your compassion and in my case your ability to see the glass half full, to find and celebrate the good in everything, to make fun of yourself and make others feel good about themselves?  Or is it better to stay who you are, live life on your terms, make a lot less or no money and have no title to prove you have succeeded, joyful existence because you are being true to yourself?  I chose JOY.

As I sit and contemplate giving up a good salary, medical benefits, 401 K, and all the stability and security that comes with having a job, I realize that all those things mean nothing if I have to become a dictator and treat people in a way contrary to my sense of right and wrong.  I aced my evaluation.  My only negative was that I needed to be more assertive with the staff.  My response was that assertive was not really in my wheelhouse.  I have managed over my 40 years of working and for many of those managing staff to never, ever, ever treat someone as if they don’t matter.  To bark just to make a point that I am in charge, to have the “if you don’t like it there’s the door attitude, that people are expendable, that you have to stand over someone to get results.  Not me, not ever going to be me.

For the last 3 years Joe and I have worked together to build a life that is not rich in material things.  Less is more has become my mantra.  What a joy it is to know that we owe no one.  That if we choose to move today to a different place, we can.  And that when life demands something of you that you are not prepared to give, you can say NO thank you.  I will move on.

For now I am going to focus on 3 things that I have missed because I have been so exhausted from being caught up in the race to be success in a place where success meant something totally different than what my heart says it does.  Worship, walking, writing.  My spiritual self has missed having time for God.  My physical self has suffered greatly by not having time for exercise.  As for writing, well sometime I sit down and write and the words just flow…….and the stress flows out of me with the words. 

I will begin to search for a new job simply because I love to work, not because I have to.  Being around others energizes me and keeps me grounded.  I may lounge around in my pjs for a few days of well- deserved rest but then I’ll pick myself up, dust off the experience that has made me stronger in a lot of ways but has also broken my spirit.

I will re-examine what my gifts and talents are and figure out how to use them.  The facebook post of a few days back was a quote from the Juno actress Ellen Page…she said “this world would be a whole lot better if we just made an effort to be less horrible to one another.”  Amen. 

The same day I quit this post popped up “Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away from your joy.  Life is too short to put up with fools.”  Couldn’t have said it better myself. 

 

L